It was a particularly rough spot in my life. Not that life
had every really been that enjoyable. This time was more severe. Thoughts of
ending my life were obsessive. If ever you have had intrusive thoughts that
came when you did not want them, you will understand what it was like. It was like being infatuated, but with killing myself.
It was like I
was possessed.
I did not want to die, but the obsession was convincing me
that this would be the best. I knew that my family and friends would be devastated.
I also knew that in time they would heal. Slowly, I started to make a plan.
Memories of that darkest time still make me cringe in fear.
Although I
identify myself as an addict and alcoholic, that was all in the efforts of
managing a life that was tinted with the darkness of depression. Thoughts of
suicide were daily occurrences for me.
For whatever
reason, I was able to reach out and get help. At that time I really did not
know about depression. Though life has had its dark times for me since then,
none have been as dark as that time.
This week there have been two notable suicides: Kate Spade,
and Anthony Bourdain. Although both people, from the outside, appeared to have
charmed lives, it was the death of Anthony that hit home. His is the life I
would want; travelling the world and eating.
I have talked
before that depression turns the conversation of whether the glass is half-full
to, the glass is half empty, it probably tastes like shit, and the glass is
dirty. Depression adds another thought, it doesn’t matter if I even drink it,
for I will get thirsty again.
At the time of my obsession with killing myself I was an
active member in a twelve step program. To admit that I was intending on ending
my own life would be to admit that I was not working a very spiritual program
of recovery. Sort of like standing up in church and telling those around you
that you wanted to kill yourself might lead those around you to question your
faith and your confidence in God.
We have to
start talking about mood disorders, mental health, and suicide. We have to
understand that we are works in progress.
Even Paul, who for many exemplifies faith, talked of having a ‘thorn in
his side’ and not achieving perfection.
Hebrews 5:7 During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he
offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who
could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.
Regardless of how strong our faith might be, we are not
exempt from the trials and tribulations of life. In fact, just the opposite. As
I see it, compassion is the foundation of our faith. We are called to join with
the suffering of others. To remain unaffected would reflect a shallow compassion.
Currently,
the congregation I am a part of is experiencing hardships. Some of those hardships
are simply the fabric of life. Others are experiencing tragedies that are
unjust. While we come together to celebrate our faith, we also come together to
support and care for each other.
We must move
past the superficial, “how are you?”, “I am fine, yourself?” Let us be aware that
each of us will have times of struggle. I urge you to share your struggle with each
other, not only will doing so allow others to join with you, it gives permission
to the other person to share their own.
We must move
away from the idea that faith is about being perfect. It is not. In fact, faith
can make some of our struggles less than tolerable.
We must stop
beating each other with verses meant to comfort. The admonition of “do not be
anxious in anything’ was not a command, but an encouragement.
We must stop
presenting an imaginary standard of what faith should look like. When we
consider what our Lord was like, it was not a one dimension expression.
We must also
share our victories with each other. To encourage each other.
Thank you for letting me share.