107. An Act of Obedience

“I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me--that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.”

- Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

1 Corinthians 12:13 “For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.”

On Saturday evening, I will be baptized.  I was baptized as an infant, but it was not my choice, and thus it was not an expression of my faith.  And not to criticize my parents, but as I read scripture, baptism is an act of obedience of the person being baptized.

          Baptism has not been part of my thoughts for quite a while.  If those people that I hang out with on Sunday mornings were not forming their own church, I would not be considering baptism at this time.  But they are, and they are Baptists, and they are fond of dunking people in the name of Jesus.  So, here I am getting ready to be Baptized.

          As with everything else in my life, being baptized has become complicated way beyond reason: at least in that area between my ears.  The concerns are many, and run rampaging through my mind. It is these concerns, the level of doubt, and reluctance, that lets me know that this is more than just a simple splash in a pool. 

          The concerns are, to start with, a public confession of faith in Christ still seems a rather vague statement.  Other than this blog I don’t expound upon my faith often, or with people that don’t know me.  I am not embarrassed about Christ, in fact just the opposite, my experiences with him are profound and I would want you to have those same experiences.  It is the assumption that if I believe in Christ I also believe in a number of doctrines that makes me reluctant to proclaim my faith.  So, just because I confess a faith in Christ, does not mean you will know what I believe.

          The testimony I am to give prior to being dunked, is supposed to be short.  I would want a full twenty minutes to explain my faith.  I would probably need more to fully explain it.  So there is some worry about whether I can come up with anything meaningful.

          I also don’t know if I am ready.  Then again, is anyone every ready?  To be honest, I don’t feel like I am good enough.  Part of the appeal to Christ, for me, and part of what convinces me to have faith, is that the being good enough is not part of the equation.  But honestly, I don’t if I am a good Christian deserving of being baptized. My walk of faith has been full of doubt, and wandering, and questioning, and then wandering away again.  Backslidden is not a term I would use, for I have always believed in God, and in Jesus.  I still swear like a sailor, struggle with lust, and have more than a few moments of grumpiness.    

          Part of this reluctance is the entire ‘Salvation by Correct Belief’ that I see rampant in the Christian faith.  There are so many doctrines that I think have been arrived at to make us scared of God that I reject.  As I get ready to be dunked, I am aware that there is still doubt.  The comfort that I derive from understanding the opposite of faith is not doubt, doesn’t offer as much comfort as I would like. At least I have lost the belief that God wants me to go be a missionary to the unsaved hamsters in a third world country.

But I also know that I have been of service.  In my walk, and as I share faith, through this blog and various chats, that others have felt inspired and encouraged to develop their own faith.  So despite my misgivings, I know I do live my faith. And I know that I have been an example to others.

          I also know, and this would be the reason why I am being baptized, is that I feel compelled.  I am called to deepen my commitment to God, and to borrow a phrase from AA, as I understand him.  I am called to deepen my commitment and compassion to those around me.  I am called to be open to be of further services to God. That is the statement of obedience I am taking.

 I think I have just come up with my testimony for before I get dunked.

I am also having the hardest time not sticking a couple of Alka Seltzers in my mouth so that when I am brought out of the water, I looked possessed.