118. A Grief Observed

Most of you reading this will have known that my father-in-law Phoh Tah died suddenly two weeks ago.  Phoh Tah, died as a result of a scooter crash.  The call that informed Wanna came unexpectedly at dinner.  How can one expect that news? Her cries are still fresh in my memory.  And for the second time in my life, I came to know the meaning of agony.

          To listen to the cries, and to see the grief and disbelief of Wanna was truly heart breaking.  It was the second time that being married was painful.  How much easier would it have been for me to bear the grief? I am not sure, but it would be easier, and preferable to Wanna being the one to go through that kind of pain. 

          Yes, death is inevitable.  But this, the suddenness, and the depth of her pain, was truly agony. Agony for her and for me, and a lesson in powerlessness.  But as I sat with Wanna on the floor, her world suddenly out of control, there came a clarity of focus for myself.

          And that I think is the gift that death offers us.  I know it is the product of grief.  And for not the first time, and not for the last time, I find myself in conflict with my Christian faith.  We Christians have such a shitty relationship with death.  We tell tales, explain that it is the result of sin. We insist that people too ill to recover, painfully struggle on; the message is clear that even a life devoid of hope, of intense agony is still better than death.

          I was raised with the belief that death is another part of life.  Like breathing out after breathing in, so death will follow birth.  Or as my amazingly optimistic brother tells me, we start to die the second we are born.  Perhaps my feelings, my respect for this odd gift of life, might be different if I did not believe that death is not the end of God’s grace. Amongst others I do not believe that death is the end of God’s grace.  As a result, I see much value in death.

It was not lost on me, that Wanna’s father died during Holy Week.  For me the entire process, from Ash Wednesday and the start of Lent, to the resurrection is steeped with death.  Lent, and the giving up of pleasures, I see as an invitation to contemplate death, our own and others.

          Death, is the only certainty in life.  I know there is that bit about taxes, but with the exception of sales taxes, I have managed to legally avoid taxes for various periods of my life.  So here is my praise of death.

          Regardless of your own theology, barring fiery chariots, heavenly whirlwinds, and rapture, the only way for us to get to God is to kack. Death is the end of this life, and the beginning of our life with God.  But the value of death is much more than just an opening to the celestial highway.  As with all things, I think God takes death and grief and brings about a greater blessing.

          It is in death that I come to find my humanity.  I think of Jesus weeping at the death of his friend Lazarus.  It is a fascinating story.  Jesus allows Lazarus to die – these people Lazarus, Martha and her sister were his good friends.  The death is allowed to happen as Jesus knows how this story will end.  Yet, seeing the grief of others, Jesus is moved to tears.

          As I write this, I wonder what was it that moved him to tears?  Was it the grief of his friends?  Was it knowing that his own death was soon coming?  Jesus, God incarnate, grieves.  In doing so, he gives us not only permission, but an example.

           The night of Phoh Tah's death, in that heart beat of grief, my life and what is important within it came into clear focus.  Wanna and my love for her was painfully present for me.  Gone were the struggles of the day. It was equally clear that my place was not only to be with her, but with her family.

          It is seems only natural to me that in grief we are called together.  Not only is it that death and grief makes us keenly aware of the web of out relationships.  But it is with each other, in which we find the face of God, his comfort, peace and compassion.

          As Wanna has grieved, I have seen an agony, but I have also seen a deepening of affections for those around her.  Perhaps it is only in the light of our loss, that we come to learn the true value of those that are present in our life.

          I will continue in my next post.  But I invite you to think of the griefs in your life, and what has been their value.