150 We must talk about suicide

It was a particularly rough spot in my life. Not that life had every really been that enjoyable. This time was more severe. Thoughts of ending my life were obsessive. If ever you have had intrusive thoughts that came when you did not want them, you will understand what it was like. It was like being infatuated, but with killing myself.

          It was like I was possessed.

I did not want to die, but the obsession was convincing me that this would be the best. I knew that my family and friends would be devastated. I also knew that in time they would heal. Slowly, I started to make a plan. Memories of that darkest time still make me cringe in fear.

          Although I identify myself as an addict and alcoholic, that was all in the efforts of managing a life that was tinted with the darkness of depression. Thoughts of suicide were daily occurrences for me.

          For whatever reason, I was able to reach out and get help. At that time I really did not know about depression. Though life has had its dark times for me since then, none have been as dark as that time.

This week there have been two notable suicides: Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain. Although both people, from the outside, appeared to have charmed lives, it was the death of Anthony that hit home. His is the life I would want; travelling the world and eating.

          I have talked before that depression turns the conversation of whether the glass is half-full to, the glass is half empty, it probably tastes like shit, and the glass is dirty. Depression adds another thought, it doesn’t matter if I even drink it, for I will get thirsty again.

At the time of my obsession with killing myself I was an active member in a twelve step program. To admit that I was intending on ending my own life would be to admit that I was not working a very spiritual program of recovery. Sort of like standing up in church and telling those around you that you wanted to kill yourself might lead those around you to question your faith and your confidence in God.

          We have to start talking about mood disorders, mental health, and suicide. We have to understand that we are works in progress.  Even Paul, who for many exemplifies faith, talked of having a ‘thorn in his side’ and not achieving perfection.

Hebrews 5:7 During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Regardless of how strong our faith might be, we are not exempt from the trials and tribulations of life. In fact, just the opposite. As I see it, compassion is the foundation of our faith. We are called to join with the suffering of others. To remain unaffected would reflect a shallow compassion.

          Currently, the congregation I am a part of is experiencing hardships. Some of those hardships are simply the fabric of life. Others are experiencing tragedies that are unjust. While we come together to celebrate our faith, we also come together to support and care for each other.

          We must move past the superficial, “how are you?”, “I am fine, yourself?” Let us be aware that each of us will have times of struggle. I urge you to share your struggle with each other, not only will doing so allow others to join with you, it gives permission to the other person to share their own.

          We must move away from the idea that faith is about being perfect. It is not. In fact, faith can make some of our struggles less than tolerable.

          We must stop beating each other with verses meant to comfort. The admonition of “do not be anxious in anything’ was not a command, but an encouragement.

          We must stop presenting an imaginary standard of what faith should look like. When we consider what our Lord was like, it was not a one dimension expression.

          We must also share our victories with each other. To encourage each other.

Thank you for letting me share.

149. Disposable People

CAUTION: If you are involved in an intimate relationship with someone who is a threat to your safety; emotionally, physically, or spiritually; get out. This posting is not intended to convince people to remain in relationships where they are exploited or abused.

There has been a trend on social media that I have noticed. It probably is not new, but it is concerning. This is the idea of ridding yourself of toxic people. The idea is that toxic people drain the life force out of us, and by getting rid of them, we free up time and energy. I wonder how many people have deemed me toxic and have decided to dispose of me.

          There are a few problems with this approach. Even more so if you claim to follow Christ. First, toxic is so loosely defined that almost anyone can be considered toxic. Mostly I suspect that those deemed as toxic simply annoy the person. Second, we are ALL toxic. If this concept was followed through to its logical conclusion, we would all be segregated and isolated.

          If you have been called to Christ, then loving your neighbour is part of the package. Our neighbour is defined by Christ for us in the parable of the Good Samaritan. Of note in his answer as to who is our neighbour; the Samaritan was a despised person. I would imagine there would be people that would consider him toxic. It is not up to us to decide who we are called to minister.

          More importantly, the judging others as toxic, and disposing of said people, actually makes what is wrong with us as a culture worse. In these days of divisiveness, particularly within the realm of politics, being contemptuous of each other has increased the distance between people. We need to learn how to honour each other in our differences.

          This divisiveness has come within the body of Christ. I bump up against it everyday. My faith as well as my politics, is defined by the compassion that I am called to live in. The use of terns developed in 18^th Century France strikes me as being a bit awkward. (The entire Right Wing – Left Wing is outdated.) So much of what we deal with requires more than simple answers, and require further thought than right or wrong. To dismiss me, is to risk dismissing God. The same holds true for those I disagree with, regardless of how vehemently I do so.

          It is particularly within the church that I see the need for this ability to be reconciled to the differences of others as being the most important. Lest we forget, we are called to be the salt and light of the word. We are called to add value to the world around us, which includes those people who annoy us. We are also called to be light, to show the way. There is little room to engage in the self-indulgence of ridding ourselves of people.

          Lately, I have seen that intolerance undermine our faith, denigrate God, and obscure his glory. Mostly, it is for the wrong reasons. Those reasons rarely, if ever, are Godly in nature.

          We are told that there are those that we should have nothing to do with at all. Those who, “have a form of Godliness, but deny its power.” (2 Tim 3:5) We all know those who might be defined as such. I have met them, and while I have shunned some, I am more inclined to watch them from a distance.

There are two reasons why I am leery of this worldly approach to others. First, often those who are the despised ones are the very same that are valued in heaven. Secondly, we are called to be a healing presence in the world. To rid ourselves of those we deem as toxic may exclude the person from the only gospel that they may know. I hope it does not surprise you that we are the gospel to others.

          I am not calling on people to agree with people when you don’t. I am calling on people to not call out doctrines and attitudes that are harmful. I am calling on the people of God to address each other with the respect that we deserve. This is not easy to do. Some of the statements by others go against the grain of what I believe to the point where being vulgar is a temptation. I am calling on us, to treat each other with the dignity that is inherent in each of us.

Thank you for letting me ramble.

148. An Act of Terror

This week we have had a mass killing in Toronto. In the evening following the attack a friend and I chatted about how the killings would be portrayed. I made the comment that if the killer is white, then it will be a mental health issue, if he was a person of colour then it would be terrorism. So, as it turns out the man who used a vehicle as a weapon to kill mostly women, was white. As expected the discussion surrounding the man has not included terrorism.

It was terrorism.

The killer acknowledged and honoured a man who in 2014 conducted a rampage that killed six and injured fourteen. While the honoured man killed women and men, his rage was at women. The driver of the van identified himself as Incel – Involuntary Celibate – this has become a term that men loosely gather around. If we were talking any other specific ideology we would be using the term terrorism. The gathering is as organized as any other extremist group that we identify. Incels, are misogynistic and promote rape culture. I would hazard a guess that it is mostly white men who feel entitled that identify as Incel.

I have provided a link below for your own research:

http://www.bodyforwife.com/incels-are-a-hate-group-promoting-rape-and-murder/

Why do I call it an act of terror? Simply put, I believe the actions of the man was intended to strike fear in the core of every woman. He apparently targeted woman in this rampage. He identified one mass killer as a hero, and no doubt emulated him. And unlike the shootings on Parliament Hill in 2014, this attack actually seemed planned.

I write this for a number of reasons. We Christians who enjoy being righteously indignant at the sins of the world must not remain silent about this event, this group, and rape culture. In particular, I am calling on my brothers in Christ, to speak out against such violence. As always, I urge you to have the conversation with your sons, their friends, your friends, and others, that rape culture is our issue. We must stand against it.

Collectively, we must consider that when any woman is in fear of being assaulted by a man, that we have failed. We must acknowledge that we are losing in the efforts to end a culture that promotes rape and other forms of violence against women. Recently, in conversation with a friend of mine, she acknowledged that there is the expectation on dates that women ‘put out.’ We have failed.

Further, we also must not allow the discussion regarding the killing of ten and injuring of fourteen in Toronto become a discussion about mental health. While I am an advocate for mental health services, this is different. This was calculated, this was thought out, this was terror. To allow this conversation to drift into the ‘mental health’ dialogue excuses the man’s actions, does a disservice to those managing mental illnesses, and legitimizes the violence visited upon women.

We have allowed the killings at École Polytechnique in 1989 to remain as a mental health issue. Again, that was a deliberate, planned assault on women. An act of terror. Yet, with the exception of a few articles, it is not acknowledged as such.

While Toronto should be in our thoughts and prayers, those are really not enough. I do urge you to pray that those who are grieving find the comfort and peace of God. But those prayers are meaningless, unless we take action. So once again, the talking points regarding rape culture:

1. Women deserve the agency over their own bodies to be honoured.

2. Rape, and the associated violence is not about sex.

3. Rape, and the associated violence stems from the sense of entitlement by men.

4. Ultimately, rape and the associated violence is aimed at subjugating women.

147. I am THAT racist

When ‘Dances with Wolves’ came out, I was not one of the huge fans of the movie. Yes, it was a great story. It had great cinematography, though it would be hard not to on the prairies. I liked that the movie had First Nations actors in First Nations rolls. But essentially the message was one I could not stand. Everyone, at least White, who saw the movie identified with Capt. John Dunbar. We were in fact the Calvary come, not to save the day, but to destroy a culture.

          There is great injustice on the prairies again. This time, real life. A young man, fucking around like I did when I was his age, is shot and killed. Yes, he may have been up to no good. But in Canada we do not execute people for essentially being drunk and disorderly. I will not go into the details of the case, as this post is not about the case itself; it is about the fallout afterward.

          There has been a great outcry for the clearly racist themes through the case. There are those who seek to justify the senseless killing of a young man. But most of us, are lining up to denounce the actions of the person responsible for the death, the actions of the RCMP, and a court system that is inherently flawed and biased against First Nations people.

          I see people positioning themselves that they are not racist, and that those in charge, our politicians, need to change the system. It is clear that systemic changes need to occur. The incarceration of indigenous people in Saskatchewan is disproportionate to their population.

          Yes, we, all of us, need to exert pressure that these changes happen within the approach of our law enforcement community, and within the legal system. Protests, vigils, petitions and the like are called for to push for these changes. It is going to take more than an angry Facebook post.

But like the movie ‘Dances with Wolves’ we need to stop externalizing the problem. The hard truth is that we, I, am responsible for the values within our community. Especially, as I am called to be the salt and light to those around me. I need to take responsibility for the values that are expressed within my neighbourhood.

          I live in what appears to be an ethnically diverse community. By community I am referring to North Delta. There are those of various ethnicities that live around me. They are there through the struggles they have endured to make their own space. Yet, my house is less than ten miles from the Tsawwassen First Nation. There are not many, if any, indigenous people in my neighbourhood.

          The uncomfortable truth, is that it is far too easy to distance myself from the man that pulled the trigger. It is far too easy for me to say, that is not me. Like the movie, it is far too tempting to identify with whatever heroes there maybe, when in fact, I am the villain. I am THAT racist.

          If my sole solution is to post this, hit like a few times, and copy and paste; I am part of the problem. There are other issues that I feel passionate about. In this case, I need to take the time, and write letters to MPs, MLAs, and others. Maybe I need to take time from scrolling through Facebook.

          But even then, the challenge in this situation is to take time and examine HOW I am racist. If I am serious about change, the change needs to begin with me.

His name was Colten Boushie, he was 22.

         

         

146. A Gentler Path

As with all things, good, bad, ugly, disturbing, or even common place, if one seeks the face of God, they will find it. At least that is my experience.

It has been a while since I have posted. The past few months, have been a struggle. On Nov 14^th of last year I was given thirty days notice that my contracts were being cancelled. It was probably the only outcome that was plausible. As there was no cause cited to cancel the contracts, the decision seemed to be very personal, and very vindictive. As more than a few of my friends have said, I am too provocative for my own good. I have pissed people off, and I know whom have taken exception to me.

          In my less than graceful moments, I think of these men, and one woman, as a waste of skin, a blight against humanity, and similar thoughts. I do try to not be too vulgar in these postings. While this decision has caused significant struggles, it has not been without its blessings. There is less stress as what seemed inevitable is now done. Wanna has her husband back. And I have a means of income.

          To become bitter about this has been such a temptation. In my search for the face of God, her grace in my life, I have been resentful about God (she wants me to forgive them), about the assholes who have done this, and those bastards that have allowed it to happen. I have fantasies about confronting them, about reeking vengeance in their lives, and getting even. 

          I have thought about what I am called to do as being called to a higher standard. You know that crap about taking the morally higher road. There is more than a small part of me that wants to wallow in the muck and filth of resentment.

As I started up the crap of thinking about how awful these people are, the impulse to forgive came again. For all my brilliance, I can be a stupid man. Then, as she so often does, God spoke with that random thought which seems to come out of nowhere. I am keeping myself involved in a struggle, in a relationship, with these assholes. Then, the pointed question. Why the fuck would I want to invite them into my life like that?

Forgiveness, that impulse I have resisted, is the only way out. My reasons for not doing so, my reasons for continuing to engage in the hatred of these people, are bullshit. Yes, something calls to be done about this abuse of power. But, that is not my calling. At least not now. Perhaps it never will be.

My task, these days, as unpleasant at it may seem, is to deal with the consequences of this development. My desire to not forgive, to be bitter, only serves to make it that much more daunting. My task is to grieve the loss. That can only be if I stop the foolishness of keeping the relationship with these assholes going in my head.

As I write this now, I have sense that it is not a morally higher ground that I am called to walk. It is a gentler path for me.

145. What was he thinking?

Hebrews 2:17 & 18: For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

We are in the season of advent. That part of me that needs to fuck with everything wants to point out: it is mostly made up.  Christ was not born in December. The entire nonsense of shepherds tending their flock while ass deep in snow did not happen. At least not in snow.

          If you have followed my posts through this blessed season in years previous, you know the narrative so often told of the birth of Christ is wrong.  I believe he was born.  As a Christian, I believe in the death and resurrection, thus he would have had to have been born in order for that to happen.

          This year is a little darker, maybe even sinister, for me. I find myself questioning the birth of Christ. Questioning, not if it happened, but why it happened. What was he thinking? It is one of those times I stand convinced of our collective putridness. To my perspective Jesus coming here would be like going for a swim in a septic tank.

          Did he come as God, with all the fanfare and celebration we would expect? No. There was no privilege claimed. He came as the lowliest of positions; the illegitimate child of a peasant girl from a town that defines insignificance. Later, he and the family became refuges. We all know what we think of refuges.

          He was fully human. There would have been skinned knees, tears, puke and shit. As a teenager did he have a crush? I would think so. His purity came not from abstinence – a concept that is ours, and is disturbing. His purity came from the love he had, and still has, for us. But he must have known desire, and the heart break of rejection. He would have known exhaustion, illness, rejection, and all the foibles of life. Ultimately, he was a despised one. His death on the cross would have been a fitting finish to a life spent being shunned by people.

          His coming here, if we really pay attention, let’s us know how wrong we have things. The Kingdom of Heaven is the opposite of what we assume it to be. It is not about competition, it is not about being at of a pyramid scheme of adoration. Rather, we are called to service. It is recognizing ourselves in each other. It is recognizing Christ in each other.

Mark 9:35 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.”

          God does not simply sit on high demanding love, praise and obedience. Rather he seeks an involvement in our lives, individually and collectively. That is what advent is about. The celebration of which should be everyday not just this time of the year.

          He does that through us. I am not a fan of the salvation from hell doctrine. I believe we are called into a salvation from idiotic living. A life of service to each other. As I learned in 12 step groups, “Let it begin with me.”

Jesus exemplified, letting it begin with me.

1 Corinthians 1:27 -  29 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.

144, Confusing the Issues

Originally I was going to call this post "In Search of Trolls"

This week Trinity Western University’s case goes before the Supreme Court of Canada.  If you have not heard of this case, it is that graduates of the law school of the university will not be considered for the Bar in some provinces because of the code of conduct of the school. The code of conduct prohibits sex outside of the university’s definition of traditional marriage.

          Do not get bogged down in the details; I haven’t. The situation is an excellent opportunity to consider how to translate a moral stand into the world.  And, I see few sides, except the university’s as being right.

          What confounds the issues is that almost everyone has taken a binary approach to the issues.  If you are not in support of the school, then you are Pro-Gay. If you are supportive of the school, you are Anti-Gay. So, let me wade into the cesspool created by people trying to claim moral authority. Both sides of this issue are trying to do so. The truth is, there are more than two sides.

          I support the school.  It does not house the only law school in the province, let alone the country. I think the inclusiveness of the prohibition against sex outside of traditional marriage is rather convenient. Their definition of traditional marriage does not include those between people of the same gender. But, it is not a hidden requirement.  If you are considering going to Trinity Western University, then you would already know, or quickly be made aware, of their position.

          If Trinity Western was the only university offering degrees in law, then there might be a point to this claim of discrimination. What if my personal belief was that traditional marriage had more to do with the oppression of women, and had decided not to become betrothed to Wanna? Or what if she was a he, and thus by not honouring the morals of the only law school, I was denied an education? Then, there might be more to this claim of discrimination than what I see now. Further, it is not a ban on LGBTQ people, rather their behaviour as the person attends.

          From what I have seen in the discussion of this issue, given my position of supporting the university, is that I would be considered anti-LGBTQ.  Which if you have read my posts, or talked to me, you would know is not the case. I consider myself an ally. I believe that scripture has been used to endorse the politics of a heteronormative society.  I also firmly believe that the most of collective Christianity’s stance has more to do with moral license than it does with scripture. Moral license is that idea I can do this bad thing, because I do this good thing, or do not do that other bad thing.

          But to others, I would be considered Pro Gay.  That is kind of a confusing statement.  Yes, I am an ally.  I believe that one’s sexual expression should not be reason to discriminate against that person.  It is not a slippery slope to stand on.  The referencing to those who offend sexually betrays a significant ignorance regarding the difference between sexual expression and sexual pathology.  Sexual offending has little to do with sexuality. But I am not Pro Gay. I do not believe that you should go out and have gay sex over straight sex. But I don’t believe that a man who loves another man should be denied his rights of citizenship because of that love.

          The entire controversy with this situation allows us to examine broader issues. Can I realize that one belief or position does not mean another? If I decide that the mosque down at the end of the street is welcome, then does that mean I support terrorism? Does it mean that I am not sure about my own Christian faith? Can I support Muslims and not be anti-Christian?

          Can I pause in love, and listen to the other person? I mean really listen, not so that I can offer a counter argument, but so that I can understand their position. Can I accept that someone else might be right?

We live in a world that is increasingly diverse and tolerant. I welcome that development. I like it that people of colour are no longer considered only partially human. I like it that women are people. But we have to change how we are amongst ourselves if we are going to present the Love of Christ to the world.  I believe, that it is showing the Love of Christ to the world that we are called to do.

143. Too Ethical to be Christian

During my earlier days, I had held onto a secret. I was too ethical to really believe Christianity. Then, I was confronted in church one day.  The ideal place to be confronted on one’s relationship with Christ.

          I had attended the Sunday Morning service of the Church of the Drunken Charismatic Lutherans. I was in town visiting my father who was dying of cancer.  I was asked by my good friend’s mother as to why I was in town.  I told her, dad was dying, and I was visiting. After a brief prayer for my dad, I was then asked if I would see my dad before I left for Vancouver. I replied I would, she replied she would pray for that conversation. I knew what she was getting at by the question. Would I be able to wring a death bed conversion out of my dad?

          My dad’s notoriety was all alcohol related.  On a good day he drank a little over 20 oz. of vodka. On other days it was between 50 and 70 oz.  That had been going on for the better part of two decades. It should not surprise you that my dad was dying of pancreatic and liver cancer. And despite my well nursed resentment for his actions, I realized that he was a sick man. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually sick as well as physically sick.

          Between the two of us, my friend’s mom and I, the one who should be rooting for an eternity of “How do you like the apples?” Should have been me. However, I was the one that saw that sending an old man to hell was wrong. This was a man who had not made a rational decision in twenty years. For him to be judged on making the wrong decision, was beyond unfair. I told her that we obviously were not of the same faith.

Now, you might want to tell me that this woman does not represent your faith. That not all Christians are like her. Or, that you are not THAT kind of Christian.

We have a larger issue. A certain Alabama Senate Candidate when he was an assistant District Attorney had sexually assaulted a fourteen-year-old girl. There are four more that have come forward.  And once again morality and my faith are at odds.

                There is a letter that was signed off by 53 pastors in support of Roy Moore.  3 of them have stated that they no longer support him. They point out that the letter they signed was from before this crisis.  But 50 pastors remain silent, and thus supportive of Moore.

Now, I am explaining that those 50 pastors do not represent my faith. That not all Christians are like them. Or, I am not THAT kind of Christian.

The truth is that those 50 pastors DO represent our collective faith. Too many Christians are like them. It does not matter if I am or am not THAT kind of Christian.

We have branding issue with our faith.  And we do not understand the dynamics behind this crisis. First, the morality of those without faith is better than our collective morality. Think about that for a moment. This not an exaggeration, those of our faith have used the nativity story to explain a 32 year-old-man for having a sexual encounter with 14-year-old girl. This sexual encounter was not consensual, nor was it in the confines of “Traditional Marriage.”

Second, Christ has endorsed this behaviour. The body of Christ, or was our being so just a metaphor, seems to approve of this behaviour. Even if the reference to the faithful being the body of Christ was a metaphor, we are the face of Christ to those around us.  We are the expression of our faith.

I have some suggestions. I always do.

First, let’s admit we have a problem with our morality. As a group we sign off on some pretty toxic shit. It is time that we stopped pretending that it is not our collective morality.

Second, that we demand that we do something about it. During the time of two churches I was discussing the teaching by the one minister with a member of that church. I said I thought the message was more than a little off, he replied, “I know, but he is just so entertaining, he gets me fired up.”  We need to do than more fact checking our ministers. Does the message from the pulpit, bar table, or centre stage reflect your belief? We need to support those who teach, and holding them accountable for the message is one such way.

Third, Tim Minchin, an Australian comic, says that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. He goes on to say, unlike assholes, opinions should regularly be brought out and examined. That they should be examined by those around us. Are you willing to discuss yours, to explain yourself, and consider criticism without defending your belief?

Thanks for letting me ramble.

142. Fuck off? Really?

Fuck off? Really?

First of all is the misinterpretation of religious scriptures, holy scriptures, in the Bible, Old Testament, New Testament, Quran and so forth, and these have been misinterpreted by men who are now in the ascendant positions in the synagogues and the churches and in the mosques. And they interpret these rules to make sure that women are ordinarily relegated to a secondary position compared to men in the eyes of God. – Jimmy Carter

The person who should probably read this post will probably never see it. I blocked him on Facebook.  I don’t think he is in one of my google circles either – I don’t even know if that caught on. But his response to one of my posts left me somewhat rattled, and even more; perplexed.

          The posting was innocent enough, or maybe not. It was a video that started with one of my favourite comedians Anna Akana. Her comment was, “I am seriously so fucking tired of being responsible for not getting raped.”  What followed were women talking about everyday things they did to feel safe in the world. It addressed the reality of living in a culture that still tolerates rape. 

          It was simple stuff like only listening to music with one ear phone in, and walking by one’s own house if she felt she was being followed.  All the stuff they do to feel safe in a society that still excuses rape.

          Curious, I could post a cute bear picture and have dozens of likes and numerous comments, or a picture of Snoopy with the same effect.  There were only two likes for this posting. And one comment, “Fuck off.”

Really?

Fuck off?

The comment still irritates me.  The answer to what these women experience everyday, the continuous undercurrent of fear, was, “Fuck off.”  A comment from a man who probably never experiences fear on a regular basis.  Not that men do not experience fear, we all do.  But for the most part I can walk down the corner 7 11 without worrying about being assaulted, let alone being raped.

          Those areas where I go that create a feeling of dread or concern are places I have to go to, most often by choice. As a child I grew up in a home where I experienced fear. But as an adult, no, I have never lived in a place where I was afraid.

          To be balanced, I know of men who have been brutalized in their home, of women who have abused, injured and killed their offspring. So us men are not alone when it comes to inflicting violence upon those close to us. But I think most men, most straight white men know a luxury others do not.

          I have never had someone come up to me and yell at me to go back to my own fucking country. Nor, have I ever been catcalled and told I had a great ass. I have never had someone call out to me, “Hey father, want another?”

So I have a suggestion for that man, and for all of us.

If you are sick and tired of hearing women whine, bitch and complain about what it is like for them to live in a world where they can be grievously assaulted for simply being a woman, then I have a suggestion for you.  Get off your ass and take a stand so that such complaints are not needed.

If you are sick and tired about women talking about claiming the power and agency over their own bodies, then I have a suggestion for you. Respect women as you would want to be respected, and support them in the same manner that you would want support for your own autonomy.

If you are sick and tired of hearing about date rape, and how women should be able to wear what they want, and go where they want, then I have a suggestion for you. Don’t be one of those who are cause for such comments, and at the same time tell those friends of yours not to be one of those guys as well.

In many ways, the situation has got worse. We have public, very public, celebrities and politicians making comments such as “Rape is the will of God.” “Women should shut up and enjoy it.” “It is not rape if it is your spouse.” I find it deeply disturbing that if we were talking man on man rape these comments would be unacceptable.

So, let me ask you…

Have you had THE conversation?

You know the conversation about how we have the responsibility to ensure that women around us feel safe, and know that we are not a threat. Have you talked with your sons and his friends? Have you talked to your friends? Have you decided yourself, that you will not be a threat no matter what the circumstances?

Have you taken steps to support women in asserting their own agency over their own body? Do those women around you know that you are an ally? Are you an ally?

I see this as an issue with no middle ground. To not stand visibly opposed to violence against women, is to condone it. 

141, Breathing Bitterness

Hebrews 2: 17 For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.

The past few months have been a struggle.  Once again me and my band of cohorts have run afoul of the bureaucracy that surrounds our work. I have taken this to heart, for I look upon my work as being a steward of the agency. I cannot help but to think that I have not been a good steward.  What my band of misfits needs protection from is the very thing that is occurring. 

          Along with being a steward, I am an advocate for those we support.  And in doing that advocacy, I have had the audacity to call into question the judgement of the bureaucracy.  Thus, we have been brought under scrutiny once again.  Not only is this truly not deserved, it is excessive, and the faults found are either embellished, or created. One such created fault was the claim that the agency did not have a specific document.  We had already submitted the document for  review a few years earlier, and if those people sent to examine our files had asked to see it, then we would have produced it.

      It is difficult to watch the agency I developed be demoralized, and slowly dismantled.  Even harder for me is watching people that I greatly respect be degraded through a series of surprise inspections. But even harder still is watching those people who we support be treated in this way. There is no acknowledgement that those we support will never look like the other clients, and the services will never look like the other services. 

          As mentioned in previous blog posts we take on those people other agencies will not take on.  I wish that was an exaggeration, but it is not. The sad outcome of the actions of the bureaucracy is that there is at least one of our guys who will die. He will not receive adequate housing, and given his health, and the wet winters we encounter, his lungs will be re-infected.  He almost did not survive last winter – he spent several days in ICU and several weeks in hospital. Several others will be left without services, and one of our men will more than likely be returned to jail.  I wish that this was hyperbole, but again it is not.

           

          The entire situation is beyond frustrating. I know that there has been at least two meetings to discuss the agency, and our future.  That the futures of forty some odd people are being decided with no conversation with those effected by the decision is maddening.

          In a conversations with a few of my cohorts it was discussed that perhaps there really is no interest in providing services to those we support.  After all, it will be those people who pay the ultimate price. 

The last time I was in church for communion I could not bring myself to partake.  I connected with the violence visited upon Christ.  I have had enough of violence.  It seemed odd, as it always has, to celebrate the murder of Christ.  I know that we are invited to drink of this cup, and eat of this bread, but that day the recalling of the violence left me not willing to participate.  

If the worst were to occur, truly, it would mean an early retirement for me. Wanna and I have talked of running a coffee shop in Lamphun – about half an hour outside of Chaing Mai. I also know that if there was any hope of remaining in business I would. Maybe this is the means by which I retire?

I believe that the response to such situations in life for Christians is to seek our identity in Christ.  We are called to see Christ in the suffering of others.  Thus, we are told “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat…”  But I believe, we are also called to identify with Christ in our own suffering.

          It was with this in mind that I reflected on my experience in church, deciding not to partake in communion.  I realize that my experience, will ultimately, make me more compassionate.  As if that is the gift I want. As I thought about this, I found myself praying that this cup pass by me.  I was struck with the irony of that – the same prayer Christ made the night before his execution.

          As I write this, I wonder, was he tempted to be angry with God? Was he angry with God? It is easy to see why his question, “My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?” is understood to be a question separate from the Psalm.  But I wonder. My emotions have a life of their own, did his?

140. Praying for Assholes

Praying for Assholes

Luke 6:27 & 28 "But to you who are listening, I say love your enemies, do good to those that hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you."

I am sure that if you are reading this, you will know at least a couple of assholes. The kind of people that will want to create difficulties for you; just because they like to do so. Whether it be for personal entertainment, or some other hidden agenda, or just because they are miserable and cannot stand the idea that others are successful and happy. Assholes. Sorry for the foul language, but truly, the word asshole seems so descriptive of these, well, you know.

     We live in a world that stresses vengeance. Do not let that person get away with doing that to you. We practice being ugly people with each other. Our marriages become areanas for competition. One of the women I am blessed to work with recently lost a close friend over a cigarette thown out a window. This was based on another person's desire to be ugly in the world.

     The bible talks about this kind of greed and competition. I believe the admonition of "an eye for an eye" is not a recipe for justice, but a limitation of vengeance. We live in a world that invites us to be bitter, angry and hostile. Paul writes of this in Romans, "They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife and deceit, and malice."

Then we have Jesus.

Reminding us about "an eye for an eye." But then he adds, "But I tell you."

His famous words. Gently telling us that we have it wrong. These are not easy words that follow. Not at all, easy.

I am dealing with an asshole as I write this.  Honestly, I think he is a waste of oxygen. And I have taken to praying for him frequently and regularly. And no, I do not pray that he gets what I think he deserves.  I pray that he might come to know love and peace. At times it is harder to pray for him than at other times.
     Do not think for a moment think that I am some sort of spiritual master. I pray for him for a number of reasons. One of them is that Jesus has told me to do so.  And I understand that if I saw him the way God sees him, then the context of what is happening changes.
     Honestly, I pray for him because I want to keep from what he creates in me from coming into my home, and my relationship with Wanna. I do not think it is possible to be loving and gentle with Wanna if I entertain fantasies of zap strapping the man to a chair and covering his head with paint remover.
     When I step back a bit, and put a bit of perspective on what he is up to, then I begin to realize that he must be miserable indeed. There are those who go into this field I work in, because it gives them the ability to fuck with others. I see it all the time. People who want to be telling others how to live their lives out. People who think they know what others should have, or not have, in their life. It is not even morally based, rather based on their own personal preferences.  It has given me a good idea of what life with pharisees might have been like.
     So I pray for him. At the end of the day, I am happy that I am I, and would not want to be that miserable asshole.

I also pray for myself.  I know that if I am angry, and spiteful, and ugly of spirit, then I am likely to miss all of what is offered to me. I do believe that what we focus on, is what we create in our lives. Not in that mystical, energy attracts energy kind of way. But in a very practical way.  If I am simply thinking about how awful the world is, then I am likely not to see the beautiful, the lovely, and the desirable. Praying for this asshole, allows me to see what is good in the world around me. 
     I end with - Finally, brothers and sisters. whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

139. Spaces

If you follow my posts then you owe a thanks to another lunch mate. He bugged me about writing again.

I owe a thanks for the basic concept of this blog to a friend of mine Chris Kinman. 

I decided it was time to get back to doing what I enjoy.  Writing.  So here goes.

My friend has a concept that he refers to as Striated Spaces versus Smooth Spaces.  If we look at our interaction with nature it becomes easy to understand.  Nature rarely has straight lines. The lines in nature tend to be curved, like rivers, forming smooth spaces. The spaces nature creates tend to be less than clearly defined.

          We on the other hand we like straight lines, like the grid system of streets in our cities. The prairies where I grew up is a study in striated versus smooth spaces.  The plains were rolling, with poorly defined spaces.  Then we come along, with our penchant for clearly defined boundaries, and our desire for order, and lay down grid lines of road and railways. 

          But what happened is that the life that flourished there needed to be exterminated.  Thus, an entire ecology that had taken millions of years to develop – grasses, grains, and animals – was destroyed to make way for, well….. different grasses, grains, and animals. 

          I was reminded of this in a powerful way this afternoon.  We are undergoing another review of our agency.  And we were discussing a gentleman that we support on the streets of Surrey.  He prefers to be homeless as he likes the autonomy that comes with it. We provide outreach services for him. Mostly, we administrate his funds, make sure he’s alive, and try to coordinate health services for him. 

          We were asked today what the schedule for meeting him was…

          Our answer is that the outreach worker goes out around lunch on the given day to see him, and if he is not there, she goes back later, and then even later if she misses him again. Some days it will be four times that she tries to find him. 

          We were told that we should be setting appointments to meet with him. If he misses those three consecutive appointments, then we have to report that there has been an occurrence.  After an undefined number of occurrences, then services would either be scaled back or cut. The system works when applied to someone with a home, and personal supports.

          It is the same thinking that will keep him homeless. He does not want traditional housing, and you would not to rent to him – he is a lot on the smelly side.  But, as the arrangement we have made does not fit into the straight lines that the funding body wants to put in place, he will not have a place to live.  Which, given his health will probably lead to him dying.  He is at increased risk of developing lung infections.  Him being homeless in the wet and cold will lead to him being re-infected. He almost died last winter of a lung infection.

We do the same with God.

We create ideas of what life in Christ is like.  And like most of the striated spaces I see, it is an attempt to control what occurs naturally.  To be fair to my fellow Christians, I saw this aspect during my sojourn into paganism.

          Paganism, which by definition resists definition and hard and fast rules, had many people who were legalistic in their approach to spirituality.  People struggled with trying to create credibility by claiming this or that authority, and thus telling you how to worship, and to live your faith. It was that aspect of paganism that led me to understand that what I found distasteful about Christianity had nothing to do with Christ and everything to do with us.

I find much of what we do in our lives tries to limit the power of God. We create striated spaces when he offers smooth spaces. We create boundaries that will keep him out, but as with the grasses, grains, and animals of the prairies, can the replacement be any better?

          At best, our attempt to enforce our will on others, and God, becomes toxic spirituality, for religion becomes competitive.  In our quest to prove that God loves me best, we leave little room for each other, and even less for God.

I hope that you find yourself opening to the smooth space and energy that I find in Christ. I pray this for myself.  For as we create religion we create hard and straight lines which, I believe, damages souls. Not that there is no defined spaces within spirituality, but they are not as clearly defined as I think they should be.  

138. Lunch with a friend

Lunch starts off with him apologizing if I am offended by his having a beer.  He knows that I am thirty plus years clean and sober.  It is simply an acknowledgement of my preference.  My response is to ask why I would be offended by a simple beer – there is profanity thrown into my answer to add emphasis.

          He and I are occasional lunch mates.  As we sit on opposite sides of the table, we also sit on opposite sides of many political and theological issues.  What is paramount is our love of the Lord, the thoughtfulness of our positions, and our understanding that the best we can hope for is to not be wrong.

          What is also paramount is our understanding that we need each other. 

I have no problem with divisive politics and theology.  We, or at least I, need the opposing view represented and expressed.  I know enough to know that I do not know enough.  I also am passionate enough in my views that I can be blinded by my passion.

          We actually agree more than we disagree.  This would include understanding that as pointed out in the letter to the Corinthians we need to foster dialogue that conflicts with our own view.  We also believe that we alone our responsible for our theology and actions.  Thus, we stand opposed at times.  We also are both very clear that salvation, whatever that may be, is that wondrous mix of belief, grace and action. 

          We both think that each other’s political candidates are a joke.  And yes, they both are. We both agree that agreement is not required, but thought as to one’s position is. There have been times that in the tension within our friendship that there has been silence, and distance, but not rejection. For in that understanding of the odd life we have been called to live, dissension is essential.

          We have argued theology and politics, and will continue to do so.  We recognize that we are stumbling towards what we have been called to pursue.

I like him.  Push come to shove, I like him.  He, like me, values friendships that are not comfortable. That friends that offer tension and disagreement often makes us better people.  And it seems to be the first order of business with the Lord is to be better people.

There is a lesson to be learned, and thus I share our friendship in this post.

As of late, as the world seems to become much more divisive, we have got caught up in the divisiveness.  The we, I refer to, is the body of Christ.  Recently, my friend and pastor took a very public stand on a such an issue.  To his credit, my pastor stated his belief clearly, thoughtfully, and humbly. 

          One Sunday as he was teaching, I was out with the kids, a visitor to our congregation stood up and publicly attempted to shame him.  It could be assumed that this person did so thinking that they had been directed by the Lord.  But I think not. 

          Jesus was not one to shy away from conflict.  To simply state nasty things to a person and then flee was not his way, nor is it what we are called to do.  While scripture does lay out the steps that one might take in resolving conflict; publicly shaming someone is not that way.

It would be easy to dismiss my friend at lunch.  I have another few who are similar – we stand on some very opposite sides of the spectrum. As much as I think my lunch mate, and others maybe wrong, he is still my brother in Christ.  To distance myself is to abandon any ability to help him in his growth – yes – read into that “Correct him from his foolish ways.” I also think that distancing ourselves from dissension provides the cold comfort of not being challenged that we might wrong.

Not that I think I am great Christian.  I do think that we need each other now more than ever.  Any division, right or left, conservative or progressive, fundamentalist or emergent, actually does not exist.

          I have a relationship with Christ.  That relationship like all others will look different for me than it would for you.  Just as my relationship with my wife would look different than yours, or my relationship with my brother would look different from yours.

          These days, as the world seems to be a crazier place, we need each other more than ever.  While I might be of the opinion that others do not represent my faith, I do need to be aware that this is not my judgement to make.

          He also told bluntly that I should get back to posting more blog posts.

137. Reflection of Easter

Hebrews 2:14 & 15  Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. 

The mystery of the cross is that what occurred there on Golgotha was so profound on so many levels that to understand the true significance of Good Friday would be next to impossible. There are four major concepts of the crucifixion; Penal Substitution, Christus Victor, Ransom, and Satisfaction. It makes for an interesting hour as one Googles each of those.

          The entire event, from the evening in the garden, to the resurrection, is the core of our faith. Each of the four major theories of atonement, reflects an underlying perspective on the nature of our existence, the nature of God, his love for us, and the substance of our relationship with him.

          For me the crucifixion, I see an act of healing, of liberation.

 

Granted, my personal theology focuses more upon the resurrection.  Romans 10:9 declares that we need to “believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead.” For without the resurrection, there is no victory. So previously, I have seen the crucifixion as a radical act of healing. That by taking on our sin, and defeating it and death, we are healed. (I Peter 2:24)

          This year, I am struck by another perspective on the crucifixion.  This year, I have posted about how God came to join with his creation. Thus, I was struck by how in his birth, he became one of the despised ones. In his ministry, he always seemed more interesting in being with those deemed unworthy, unrighteous, or just plain unacceptable.

          Although Jesus was fully human, and for this celestial sleight of hand, he needed to have been fully human.  He did not experience sin.  Thus, could he be our high priest if only knowing part of being human?

          We tend to misunderstand the idea and nature of sin.  We imagine that it is simply God not wanting us to enjoy ourselves: that obedience to God is about docile submission. We have made sinful to mean mischievous, and self-indulgent. But is that really correct? Do we honour a God who does not want us to enjoy either ourselves or what the world has to offer?

          When I think of sin, I think of despair.  I think of Pauls’ words “I do that which I do not want to do, and don’t do that which I know I should.” I think of the pain, and harm that I have inflicted on others in acts of greed, selfishness, and ego-centeredness. Sin is what separates us from each other and from God.  Thus, sin is neither a delightful indulgence nor an act that annoys and offends a petty deity. 

          Thus, the concept of Jesus taking on our sins becomes the sacrifice.

To my mind, the crucifixion is the easy part.  He is God after all.  Yes, he is tortured – beaten and whipped – then hangs on the cross for three hours. For God, it seems a simple task. Not quite the process to cause him to sweat blood.  Not that I am meaning to diminish the act of the cross.

          It is his taking on my brokenness, that seems the hardship.  It is in his humanity, where his sacrifice lies.  In taking on my sin, he took it on to its destructive conclusion; death.  It is this part, the messiness of our lives, that would be the most challenging. It would also be quite like him to do so.

          There are those that Jesus words of “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” as being a complaint.  I am amongst those who think he was drawing our attention to Psalm 22. Yes, the separation from God was real at that moment.  It is the same separation that the parent of a dying child feels, it is the same separation that the addict feels, it is the same separation we all feel within our lives. 

         

The Easter Celebration reminds me that the separation I experience is temporary, and there will come a time when I will be fully in the presence of God.

136. There will come a time

Galations 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forebearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

There will come a time when, regardless of how much scripture you read, your status in your church, or how well versed you are in theology, that life comes down to your character.  In those dark moments, and we all have them, when there is no easy or ‘right’ choice, it is who you are as a person that determines your path.  It is for those times that our spirituality, our life in Christ, needs to prepare us.  Thus, our faith must be built on the cornerstones of love, grace and compassion. In otherwords, our faith is about our relationship to God.
For me, this is the point of faith; to be that better person. That better person comes through living one’s faith.  Often, I think we get side tracked into other pursuits.  But we need to come back to the point of our faith, being restored.
There are those that hold that faith is a transaction.  That by believing in Christ we are saved from an eternal torment for not believing in him.  Thus, when we follow the encouragement of working out our salvation with fear and trembling, we are working out our avoidance of punishment.  The entire pursuit of our faith leaves our lives in a perpetual state of self-centredness; that asks the question, “What’s in it for me?”

It is not that I don’t believe in salvation, for I do.  I just don’t believe in eternal damnation.  The salvation that is offered to me, is the salvation from myself and a world gone insane.  This is why I am grateful that I am an addict and have mental health issues, it is clear that often left to my own devices, that life can be painfully chaotic.  It is my life in Christ that allows me to live life differently. It is more than just no longer drinking, drugging, and being self-absorbed. My faith is learning to live beyond myself, making a tangible difference in the world.
I also believe that the salvation that is offered is from the insanity offered in numerous religions, including ours.  I have said this before, I know I can not act good enough to earn the grace of God.  Jesus himself offered the obvservation that teachers of the law, the religion of the time, burden people with heavy loads.  Thus, I see the salvation is from the religious striving that often is just an end in itself of trying to prove that God loves me best.

There are two aspects of faith that I see leading to being that better man.

Matt 6:6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

The spiritual aspect of my life is intensely personal. Most people will know that I am a Christian.  But most do not know what I believe, such is the nature of popular Christianity, that there are a large range of belief identified as Christian. For the most part, I don’t want the arguments that ensue. I see the same approach to faith in this verse, that our faith is mostly between God and I.
If I live my faith based on those seeing me, then those difficult moments come, my choices, my character is based on receiving that approval, not on being the creation I am called to be.  It is the same idea as not letting the left hand know what the right hand is doing.

The other aspects of faith is the challenges that we all go through.

James 1:2 – 4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

It is easy to be spiritual when all goes well. And those moments I wrote of at the beginning of this entry, those dark moments, never come when everything is good. It is when life is hard that character is built.

135 #thisismyfaith

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Right now, there is a great evil threatening the world. There is no other way to state it. The result of a single person put into power will decimate lives.  This single person was put into place in large part by my sisters and brothers of the Evangelical Right. I do not want to get into a pissing match over scriptural interpretations or how one lives out their faith.  I did have planned a posting that it explained that was not my faith.  This is what I offer instead.

#thisismyfaith

I am pro-life. I have walked a woman past the protesters at an abortion clinic for she feared the violence they presented. They insisted that the fetus in her was sacred life, but denied that same consideration to her children. Forgotten was the place in God’s heart for the widow, the orphan and oppressed. Thus, when no one else would, I did. I believe that we have a responsibility to care for each other, this includes health care. I am pro-life; I stand against the death penalty.  Though I appreciate the sentiment, the death penalty is little more than a racist act against people already oppressed.

#thisismyfaith

I oppose assisting terrorists in devastating entire populations by refusing the admission of refugees into countries.  If you think that the presidential decree is aimed at keeping people safe – think again, Saudi Arabia, and United Arab Emirates home of 17 of the 19 terrorists of 9/11 is not on the list of banned countries.   This ban on Muslims is bullshit in so many ways, and is simply religious discrimination. The parable of the Good Samaritan seems to call for compassionate action to those despised ones. Faith, at least the one that I am called to, leaves few safe quarters. Yes, while we care for refugees, we need to care for our own homeless, our First Nation’s people, these are not mutually exclusive.  Further, we have to step up to care for those that you and I sent into harm’s way; our veterans.

#thisismyfaith

Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. Isaiah 1:17

#thisismyfaith

The faith I celebrate recalls that it was women, and one man, that stuck with Jesus as he was crucified.  And that it was to women that his resurrection was first announced.  While the men were off doing something, it was the women that came to take care of Christ’s body. Women are not property or possessions to be ridiculed, judged on a scale of one to ten, nor are they to be grabbed by the pussies. And yes, if you voted for him, you too endorsed his view of women. And yes, I took exception to Clinton. Women are sacred.  Only women can create life, and it was a woman only that actually carried Christ in her body. I agree with Jimmy Carter, that it is only through self-serving interpretation of scripture that man can use such to subjugate women.

#thisismyfaith

The faith I celebrate embraces the culture of others.  It is more than just my love of food. I take Matthew 25:36 seriously, “I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.” Thus, my faith is worked out with the person in front of me. I am keenly aware, that Christ was not white. I believe that these rights we talk of are our responsibilities to each other.  And I am commanded to love my neighbours, whether their gender, sexuality, religion, colour, fashion sense, choice in music, or choice of TV shows meets with my approval. 

#thisismyfaith

I see the pollution of the world as the competition, the hatred and greed that we engage in. Christ taught us that we are to be in service to each other. Mark 9: 35 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.” I believe the church must be kept safe from the corruption of greed – greed for money and power over others.  I also am fortunate to be in such a church.


#thisismyfaith

I do not claim anything like perfection. I swear too much, I watch porn too much, I am cranky too much, there is a lot of shit I do too much of, and not enough of others. I am tired of having to explain my faith in the light of what many see as contemporary Christianity.  I am tired of those that think taking God’s name in vain is swearing; much of what I have seen from the Religious Right has been taking his name in vain. I offer this simply as encouragement.  That if this is your faith, and this is nowhere near a comprehensive list, you know that you are not alone. 

#thisismyfaith