127. A Lesson

A curious thing has happened. I am grateful that it has come to my attention. The lesson to be learned is important enough that I want to share it. As well. I am narcissistic enough to share it; one needs to be a bit of a narcissist in order to blog.

            Most of you know that what I do, I believe is missional. It is a combination between my passion and what I think is a legitimate calling by God. As those I work with take on those people that other agencies avoid, it helps with that sense of sacredness.  Thus, I believe that this is the Lord's work that me and my cohorts do. And in doing so, we have become successful.

            The success is beyond what I thought it would be. And that success has come despite the efforts of those that have opposed us. It has come in spite of the gossip that precedes us. This success has come from a number of different factors: the dedication of those who work with me, those who have seen the value in what we do, and the experience, skills and wisdom that I bring to bear on how the organization is run.

            In no small way our success also lies with God. I believe that I get to do what I do because she has decided that we need to do what we do. It is a responsibility, honour, and privilege that at times can be dizzying.

            It has been over the last few months that there has been a significant shift. We have crossed the financial threshold into being a medium sized agency, and are poised to be a large agency. It seems to be that there is a begrudging respect for who we are as a group. We are known for the compassionate care, our ethics, and our dedication to those we support. And what confuses all of us, is the sense that we have a truly unique approach to our work. We don’t see what we do as being special in anyway, we do see it as unique. 

And then the curious thing happened.

The curious thing that happened is that the business slowly shifted so that it has become the most important thing in my life. It has usurped a number of priorities. My faith. My marriage. My cycling. It is easy enough to do. Our success seems tentative. It still feels that we are one clusterfuck away from failure. It is not unreasonable, given the people we work with, to expect that one of the characters we support might die, and we might come under scrutiny once again. It also might be, that feeling on edge has become habitual. This business is fickle; today’s hero can become tomorrow’s villain in a heartbeat. Especially when we work in a field that is quick to find fault.

I have also seen, first hand, the unraveling of four other agencies. Three of those agencies no longer exist, the other one still exists, but nowhere near what it once was.

The other aspect, the secret that I do not share is that I feel like a fraud. That somehow I have managed to deceive people as our agency has grown. It is that 'lemonade stand' approach - that I am just an overgrown kid who has gotten way out of control, that lies behind this awkward sensation.

In the past few weeks, if not longer, things have changed. As I write this, I realize that I have been practicing what I call 'wish craft’. Us Christians do it all the time. If I recite the magic words enough, or do the good deeds often enough, then God will give me what I want. It is an attempt to barter with God. It is seen in the old testament when sacrifices are made in order to get the favour of God.

            However, it is toxic religion, as it seeks to impose my will on the world around me. The practice is also based on a lack of trust. And in my case, it took the focus off of what had made us successful in the first place.

            This shift in my focus, will not last forever. I have done this work enough to know that there is an ebb and flow to growth. We are about to impose an ebb. We are closing our doors for winter to consolidate our growth. We are also germinating the seeds of new projects and new services. Maybe, as we pause life will get back to some balance. That is if you think hundred-mile bike rides are balanced.

           

The situation reminds me of a John Cougar Mellencamp lyric – “I know there is a balance I see it when I swing past.”

The lesson?  I realize this is where so many have gone wrong, when the calling overshadows all else. It matters more who I am, and how I do life, than what I am doing.

Anyway, thank you for reading this, it has allowed a sense of sanity to return. At least for the time being.

126. Embracing the Binary

Two weeks ago I posted on rejecting the binary - the idea that life is an either or concept.  That life is really lived in the spaces between extremes. The idea is that it is the tension between two extremes provides the very foundation on which we live.  As a Christian my faith needs that binary to create that tension.

          Personally, I see a number of paradoxes, and wondrous contradictions in scripture and in my faith. As Karen Armstrong writes often the point of scripture is for us to be able to see the grace of God; sometime that takes longer than others.  It is understanding those paradoxes and contradictions that allow us to do see that grace.

          Our faith calls us to live a life for which language is inadequate. It is our attempt to simplify our faith that creates extremes, and in doing so makes fools of us.  For me, the life of faith contains certainty about only a few things. 

          Salvation is by grace alone, but we are judged on our actions, and if scripture is to be believed there will be some of us sent away from heaven. Thus salvation is both a gift of grace and a result of behaviour, and yet we ourselves cannot win our salvation. (Salvation from what is yet another discussion).

          It is a similar paradox to sobriety.  While I am unable to follow through on my choice of whether to use or not, I need God.  Yet, the gift of recovery does not last unless I take action.  It is that wondrous combination of the work God and I can do.

          God is incredibly merciful and loving and yet seems be incredibly callous. Making the sun rise on Auschwitz and on those running the gas chambers. Do not misunderstand me, the same freedom granted to us that allowed those acts of horror is the same freedom that also allowed us the acts of courage that intervened. The second world war showed us at both our worst and best. Shamefully, I don’t think we learned anything from it.

          I am called to be gracious and forgiving but also to do so with discernment. To turn the other cheek and yet not cast pearls before swine. I will ignore that the glorious pig is portrayed as a villain. (I like pigs.) I am told to invite strangers in for they might be angels, but am also told that there are those that I should not even sit at the same table as they.

          Personally, I shift from unbelief and that this is utter nonsense to confidence in Christ. On my darker days I think that while there is a God, us Christians have it wrong. On my brighter days there is joy found within my faith. 

          As I said before, contradictions form the fabric of life (different words but same idea). I also know that what was once true may no longer be so. That what I believed as I started my life has now changed. Even the violence of my convictions, passion, has softened. As my perspectives on life change, as my experience grows, as my mental and emotional health shift, so does all of life. As I shift from one end of the spectrum to another.

          But there is something else. As I age, mature seems to be the wrong word, and my perspective changes as well, there I still find God. I consider Thomas, and his doubt, and Christ’s reaction to it. Jesus met him where he lived. And perhaps, for Thomas to have faith, he had to have doubt. For, if I am to be free to choose to be compassionate, I have to be free to choose to be an asshole. I have had times when being compassionate was being an asshole. If I am to be free to believe, then I have to be free to doubt.

          Life is about being in between. Being in between sunrise and sunset. Acceptance and rejection. Love and indifference. Hatred and joy. As the teacher in Ecclesiastes teaches, each has their season. Life is lived in those spaces. The certainty that I see people crave, the desire to live at one end of the spectrum does not allow life and I suspect does not allow God. The vulnerability that is created in being in between, being uncertain, allows God into our lives. It requires faith to live in that balance.

          So this week as I saw a friend of mine making statements I think are total bullshit, I paused and realized that she, like me, is living in the space defined by paradoxes. While she might be at one end, I very well might be on the other.  I have found peace with what I see as being another Christian looking like an idiot.  My prayer for her, is that she is able to give up the comfort of feeling certain, and come closer to God.

          It is only when we allow ourselves the vulnerability of uncertainty and doubt, embracing the binary, that we can shift our reliance to God.

103. Angels Amongst Us

Hebrews 13:2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.

note -  this post was first published a while ago, but was taken down to protect the identity of the person it is based on. I have reposted it now, for with the time that has passed it is less obvious to those in my life who I am referring to.

Most of you, by now, know the group of people that I have the opportunity to be involved with through my work.  These are two stories that cast these characters in a different light.

If you have followed my blog for a length of time, you will remember him.  He is the man that has caused me to question the reality of making a personal decision to accept salvation.  Given the mix of addiction, mental health issues, and a brain injury, there are few decisions that he makes in which he is able to fully understand the implications.  Just so that you are aware, it is an act of imagination whereby you and I think we are able to make a decision where we understand the full implication.  Our ability to weigh out pros and cons of a choice do not really indicate our ability to fully understand what we choose.

          After working with this man as he lived on his own, it became necessary for us to bring him into the care of another person quickly.  As has been the case in the past, I took him home.  He provided a mixture of annoyance and amusement.  That really is the only way to describe contending with him going days on end without a shower, and his talking with his unseen friends, and helping himself to our fridge, cupboards, and freezer.  It was also the reaction to him breaking into my kids room and swiping his pot stash.

          There was one night when the voices had been particularly active.  While it was not the unpleasant ravings that he often does, it was still annoying.  And thus, when he settled into his room at a little after one, I was relieved.  But then he came to bang on my bedroom door. I could hear him as he came down the hallway to Wanna’s and my room.  He was panicked that there was something wrong with his wall.  I got up, and muttered that this better not be a fucking hallucination or there would be hell to pay.  As I got to his room I could smell what was wrong with his wall – it was on fire.

          Wanna and I had previously had a set of doors to the back yard installed.  The contractor in order to put the doors in, had to remove the baseboard heater.  In doing so, the contractor had taken the wires, did not cap them off, twisted them into a little ball and tucked them into the wall.  Thus, on that night, the wall had caught fire.  It was easy to deal with, I simply walked to the breaker box and shut off the breaker for that heater.

          But imagine if I had not met my stinky, noisy, friend?  That night as he stood there, he had been my guardian angel.  Who knew that when I first met him that he would become my hero?  After all, I had come to meet him due to other agencies refusing to provide him service.  And to add to all this, was it simply chance that he was at the right place at the right time? 

One of other guys, who I have not written about before, has proven to be as much of challenge as my guardian angel.  Not to get into this guys antics, but he has given his caregiver, and me, more than an appropriate share of headaches.  Many of these headaches come from him being assaulted by someone and sent to the hospital.

          A while ago, this character came across a man in obvious distress.  Our guy manages to call 911 and then stays with the man as they wait for the ambulance.  The paramedics determine that there is nothing medically wrong with the man, and leave.  Our guy, gets this man on the bus and takes him to a neighbouring municipality where there is a shelter for the homeless.  There our guy checks this other man into the shelter for the night.

          It is anyone’s guess, how many people had passed by the man in distress and either ignored the situation, or outright turned away.  But our guy, becomes the Good Samaritan. In many ways he was the Samaritan, the despised one, prior to this incident.

On the original post I made mention that it does not matter where we are in life in order to be the face of God to another.  As I go to repost, the moral of the story is; that the person you see, who you think is undesirable, or should be avoided, may in fact be someone else’s hero.