127. A Lesson

A curious thing has happened. I am grateful that it has come to my attention. The lesson to be learned is important enough that I want to share it. As well. I am narcissistic enough to share it; one needs to be a bit of a narcissist in order to blog.

            Most of you know that what I do, I believe is missional. It is a combination between my passion and what I think is a legitimate calling by God. As those I work with take on those people that other agencies avoid, it helps with that sense of sacredness.  Thus, I believe that this is the Lord's work that me and my cohorts do. And in doing so, we have become successful.

            The success is beyond what I thought it would be. And that success has come despite the efforts of those that have opposed us. It has come in spite of the gossip that precedes us. This success has come from a number of different factors: the dedication of those who work with me, those who have seen the value in what we do, and the experience, skills and wisdom that I bring to bear on how the organization is run.

            In no small way our success also lies with God. I believe that I get to do what I do because she has decided that we need to do what we do. It is a responsibility, honour, and privilege that at times can be dizzying.

            It has been over the last few months that there has been a significant shift. We have crossed the financial threshold into being a medium sized agency, and are poised to be a large agency. It seems to be that there is a begrudging respect for who we are as a group. We are known for the compassionate care, our ethics, and our dedication to those we support. And what confuses all of us, is the sense that we have a truly unique approach to our work. We don’t see what we do as being special in anyway, we do see it as unique. 

And then the curious thing happened.

The curious thing that happened is that the business slowly shifted so that it has become the most important thing in my life. It has usurped a number of priorities. My faith. My marriage. My cycling. It is easy enough to do. Our success seems tentative. It still feels that we are one clusterfuck away from failure. It is not unreasonable, given the people we work with, to expect that one of the characters we support might die, and we might come under scrutiny once again. It also might be, that feeling on edge has become habitual. This business is fickle; today’s hero can become tomorrow’s villain in a heartbeat. Especially when we work in a field that is quick to find fault.

I have also seen, first hand, the unraveling of four other agencies. Three of those agencies no longer exist, the other one still exists, but nowhere near what it once was.

The other aspect, the secret that I do not share is that I feel like a fraud. That somehow I have managed to deceive people as our agency has grown. It is that 'lemonade stand' approach - that I am just an overgrown kid who has gotten way out of control, that lies behind this awkward sensation.

In the past few weeks, if not longer, things have changed. As I write this, I realize that I have been practicing what I call 'wish craft’. Us Christians do it all the time. If I recite the magic words enough, or do the good deeds often enough, then God will give me what I want. It is an attempt to barter with God. It is seen in the old testament when sacrifices are made in order to get the favour of God.

            However, it is toxic religion, as it seeks to impose my will on the world around me. The practice is also based on a lack of trust. And in my case, it took the focus off of what had made us successful in the first place.

            This shift in my focus, will not last forever. I have done this work enough to know that there is an ebb and flow to growth. We are about to impose an ebb. We are closing our doors for winter to consolidate our growth. We are also germinating the seeds of new projects and new services. Maybe, as we pause life will get back to some balance. That is if you think hundred-mile bike rides are balanced.

           

The situation reminds me of a John Cougar Mellencamp lyric – “I know there is a balance I see it when I swing past.”

The lesson?  I realize this is where so many have gone wrong, when the calling overshadows all else. It matters more who I am, and how I do life, than what I am doing.

Anyway, thank you for reading this, it has allowed a sense of sanity to return. At least for the time being.