57. Peace May Come

Bear with me as I take you for a guided tour through a convoluted experience.  In following along, I simply invite you to consider what may fit for you, and perhaps experience some of the growth that seems to have been flung at me this week.

You may have been able to tell that I have some personal baggage – issues – history with the entire Christianity thing. While I cannot, and am not inclined to, draw comparisons with others, one of the challenges of my faith is sorting through the messages that came to me through a haze of addiction, depression and trauma. 

          One of the cringe worthy passages of the bible, for me, was Matthew 5:14 - 16.  Thus this past Sunday when the scripture verses for the lesson were this passage, I just about decided that it was finally time to re-grout the bathroom.  Or, to go for that dental check-up I keep putting off.

          The circumstances surrounding this passage were, or are, quite dark.  Mingled amongst the adolescent angst of the time, were particularly troubling events at home.  There is nothing that will catapult adolescence into an absurdly toxic process than having parents who are acting out themselves.

          I had interpreted this verse to mean that God would embarrass me by making me “The Light of the World.”  That I would have to go door to door, locker to locker, telling people what Jesus would do for me.  The deal was, as I understood it, be obedient and I don’t have to go to hell. 

          After all, I am the light of the world – I am called to set myself up for ridicule and scorn (read the preceding verses in Matthew).  I just did not want to do that, I just wanted some of the rest that the bible seemed to offer and did not deliver.  I was selling out God, he was mad at me, and well, hell was waiting.  After all – why would God light a lamp just to hide it?  Thus, the song “This little light of mine” took on some very sinister implications.

This past Saturday I was busy doing a few odd jobs – cleaning the crud out of the car when I looked up to see two young men coming down the drive way.  They were wearing white shirts and ties, and carrying bags of God knows what in them.  The look on my face must have been interesting cause they stopped their advance.

          I said, “Hey I am quite content with my spiritual condition, please leave.” 

          The lead guy said something back, to which I said, “Please show some respect and leave.”

        There had been a similar guy, all guys in white shirts and ties look alike to me, a few weeks earlier.  Getting him to leave my door way was a bit of a trick. I also told him not to leave the offered religious tract on my car, and no, I did not know anyone who would want to talk to him.  I was kind of pleased with myself that I did not swear at him.

          I have a fair idea what religion or variety of Christianity or cult or belief system he was peddling.  And truth be told, I really didn’t care, and to be honest, judgmental but honest, he really didn’t give a shit about my spiritual condition – he cared about being a good whatever-it-is. 

So Sunday, and the sermon that made me cringe before Pastor Dan even had a chance to say anything.  For how I had come to understand this verse, was that what was required of me, was what the guy in my driveway had done that day before.  And my reluctance to do that very same thing, to be the light of the world, had created guilt and condemnation for me.  (And yes, if you think that it may have to do more with the guilt and condemnation I felt infused in my life at the time you would be right).

          We are the light of the world, I am the light of the world.  Hang out with me long enough and you get know some things about me.  I love my family, I love paint ball – and even feel that I should work less and play more, that I have a passion for caring for those not as fortunate as I, and that I love God. And I want you to love God.  Not because if you don’t you will be punished, but because it is good for you to be in right relationship with him.

          My faith is a light on the hill.    

I have come to understand that I am the Light of the World, in that God has chosen me to show how he loves us.  It is not by walking down your drive way that I shine my light, it is by walking with you.  Letting you see what a life in faith might look like.  I am being used as an example, of how God loves us, despite the insanity, and fear, and failings that beset us, or me.  What is being glorified is not an obedience to God, but his grace and love. 

          There have been a few tears shed as I have come to terms with all of this during the past few days.  Relief mostly, some from the pain that I still carry.