58. Love?

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Romans 12:17 - 21

My mother was a ruminator, she could work a resentment better than Dudley, my long past Labrador Retriever, could work a Kong stuffed with peanut butter.  She would brood over a situation, be it a slight or injury to the ego, for days.  I would listen as she gave the unknown person a piece of her mind while she cleaned the house.

          I did not pick up her habit of cleaning house, but I did pick up her habit of holding a grudge.  After years of listening to her give someone a piece of her mind, I got skillful at the same thing.

          There are a few aspects of the practice of giving someone a-piece-of-your-mind.  First, one is perpetually practicing saying awful things to other people.  Second, with this skillful repartee of verbal skills, you are constantly looking at someone to use them on. – Why carry a weapon if you can’t use it – thus those who have even marginally offended you are subject to a quick come back, and the more biting the better.  Third, life becomes a continual prospect to unleash this nastiness on.  The idea is that at some point one will be able to unload on the offending person in such a way that a level of satisfaction comes from this vindication. 

          This was often the basis of therapy that I went to seeking solutions.  There were safety bats that were used to move the anger through your body.  I was in one group that used a tennis racket and a pillow to beat the anger out of ourselves.  The idea, and maybe I got it wrong, was that either I would deplete the amount of anger in me, or finally feel satisfied that I had expressed my rage at the treatment of me by my parents – most often, or others from my childhood.

          There is one problem – this just doesn’t work.  The idea of venting your spleen, does not work, and in fact serves to only further entrench anger in your life.  Those of us who practice forgiveness – it has taken me a while – know the truth of this philosophy. One cannot be angry enough, or loud enough, or expressive enough to finally break free and stop being angry.  One can only stop being angry by, well, forgiving and working on not being angry, and relying on the grace and power of the Holy Spirit.

         

St. Paul counsels us, “Do not be transformed to this world.”  We are called to be radically different in the world.  In our faith, we are called to love those who persecute us, pray for those who would wish us harm, to help those who would hinder us.

          This is a radical departure from the no-one-fucks-with-me world; where we are encouraged to stand up for ourselves, to not let people get away with it, or to put people in their place.  We are called to a radically different view. After all, our God came to earth knowing that he would die a gruesome death at the hands of those he loved.  We are called to emulate him.  And such is the way of love.

          I have a fondness for this verse.  I believe, and do not want to digress in this blog, that we have an addiction to punishment, and a pathological need to get even.  Part of me likes to translate “heaping burning coals” as meaning to embarrass, or even to given a profound headache to the person.  But I like the commentary that talks about “heaping coals on the head”, relates to ensuring that the needs of the person are being fully met.  That heaping burning coals relates more to ensuring that there will be a cooking fire for the person – that all their needs are met.

          I wish it was more sinister – there is that medieval part of me that wants to relate this to torture.  Even the commentary that this verse is about melting the person with kindness is a bit more bearable.  But really?  To ensure that all the needs of the person are met?  What kind of God would ask that of us?

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’  But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”  Matt 5:38 - 42