I have coffee with my friend, anonymity is
the name of the game, on a regular semi-regular basis. We get together to discuss our work, our
wives, our lives since we have become clean and sober. We knew each other in those days when we were
slaves to our addictions. In many ways
our lives have kept intertwined by our recovery, our work and our interests.
It
is good for my soul, and I think his. We
compare notes about how brutally crazy the industry we work in has become. It is more than just to older farts
complaining, the field to help those who cannot help themselves has become much
crazier than it once was. That is the
follow out of the work being focused on limiting liability, and not on
providing service, and with budget constraints the provision of service is
actually a third or fourth consideration.
We
often get onto matters of spirituality.
We have an understanding of God and spirituality based on our
experiences in twelve step programs. We
did different programs – and still do – and to respect the tradition of
anonymity I simple identify it as a twelve step program. And there is an oddity about these programs,
that seems to be understood only by those who have been abstinent for a period of
years. The twelve step programs are not
self-help groups.
One
of my heroes of my program talks about that it is the power of God experienced
whenever two people can get together in his name. He talks of when get together, and stop the
bullshit, and lay ourselves bare to each other, then there is space that develops
in our lives for God. Part of the
ridding myself of my bullshit, is not only getting honest, avoiding the lies I
tell myself and others, but it is losing my self interest.
One
of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which
is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your
God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is
the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your
neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two
commandments.”
One of the things I notice is that there is
nothing in there about loving ourselves – except that it seems to be tied to
loving our neighbour. And for me, and this is Drewdism 101, the
only way to develop actual self-love, is through how I treat other people. I suggest you give it a try. On the day when
your mood is sucking wind and there is no joy, start being nice to people, and
I mean nice to people not pretending, not being nice so that you feel better,
but being nice. And watch what happens.
Conversely,
you can go to a community far away from your home, and act like a genital for
the day. You begin to understand that trying
to feel good about yourself, loving yourself, without first reaching out to
others, just does not work. In fact this
is what the bible has to say about self love:
2
Timothy 3:1-5 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times
of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud,
arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless,
unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good,
treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than
lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid
such people.
Those who love self are grouped in with a
wide range of foul sounding people. Now
I am not suggesting that we allow people to do whatever they want to do to us, for
to do so would be a disservice to that person and others.
But
consider: But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute
you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. And consider that we
are told that if we are slapped on one cheek to turn the other to the person
who slapped us.
It
seems to me that this love for others that we are called to have is robust, it
does not shy away from conflict, nor does it run away at the first sign of
trouble. As well, it seems to be a
radical hospitality to others.
This
flies in the face of modern sensibilities that we need to love ourselves first,
which to me just adds a level of legitimacy of this way of thinking. Imagine that, my happiness, my love of self
depends on how you are? It denies the idea that if we want to have the respect ourselves,
that we must demand that others respect us.
It rebels against the idea that our self-interest should come first.
Profanity Warning!!
It is simple, if you stop treating people
like you are an asshole, then you not only will stop feeling like an asshole, you
will begin to feel so much better about yourself, because you will become something
beautiful the lord made. I think Jesus
meant it when he said, “Anyone who wants to be first must be
the very last, and the servant of all.”
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