One of my beliefs
is that everything can work towards the glory of God. I belief that there is
nothing so severe, evil, nasty, ugly, bad, malignant, that God cannot use that
to his purpose. His purpose may not be
to show how great he is, his purpose may be to provide an example to others, or
another agenda not of my knowing. My
addiction and subsequent recovery is one such example. I do believe that even if I had not
recovered, that there would still be good that could have come out of that
situation.
So it was with that perspective that I
read a blog post titled the same as this one.
Thus, giving me the idea for this entry.
The original piece explained what it is like to be affected by depression,
that in the midst of what would be considered wondrous moments there is always
a tinge of sadness. Depression, for me,
is like walking though sludge, each movement requires extra effort. There are some days that just showing up is a
victory.
Currently, the medication, life
circumstances, and other factors have managed to grant a reprieve. As with any remission, there is a sense of
tentativeness, but honestly being content is becoming normal again. So it is in this moment that I have been thinking
what is the benefit of depression. Is my depression a demented gift that
somehow blesses and increases my life as it adds a layer of unwanted effort?
In my depression I am not a “glass
half full” type of person. I am – the glass
is freaking dirty, the water looks like it has grown stagnant, and I am so
thirsty that there would be no relief from drinking it, so get the glass out of
my face. There are people who state that
depression is just anger turned inwards, this is because most depressed people
can be kind of cranky. The truth, we
tend to be grumpy simply because life is the shits. The other aspect of depression is that when I
am depressed I can be truly funny.
But as I wrote, there is a
reprieve. They have come before and they
have left. So while I am feeling the
love, I want to reflect on whether depression is a gift. Thus begins a series
of entries. Excuse the self-absorption,
but it is my hope that in writing this that you too can see whatever challenges
you as being a gift.
Romans 8:20
& 21 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice,
but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself
will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and
glory of the children of God.
Could it be that
there is intense sanity in depression? Our
faith tells us that we live in a broken world.
Having grown up in Edmonton, in North America, the brokenness was
abstract. There were not armed terrorist
roaming the streets, nor were there famines, or other natural disasters. Yet, there was an underlying sense that the
world, us people, were damaged. Yes,
that may well be just the trauma of being raised in my family, but in my
depression I see how far we have drifted away from what life was meant to be. It has
been my depression that has revealed the brutality with which we treat each
other.
Romans 7:15 I
do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate
I do.
Likewise, the self
searching and scathing aspect of depression, has revealed the brutality with
which I treat others. And it is within
this awareness that I come to understand my own need for healing, grace, mercy
and forgiveness.
My memories carry many cringe worthy
moments of when I have said or done something callous and mean-spirited. The gift of my depression is that it levels
the playing field reminding me that when the author wrote, “All have sinned and
fallen short of the glory of God” that I am included.
It makes me less inclined to judge
others, I think, as I realize that at whatever point I judge others I condemn
myself, for I do the very same things.
Til next week and
next post – God bless and keep.
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