86. Hello Darkness My Old Friend - Conclusion

Psalm 51:10 - 12

Create in me a clean heart, O God;

 and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from thy presence;

and take not thy holy spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation;

 and uphold me with thy free spirit.

So the question is....if God is all powerful, and thus able to heal me, why hasn’t he? 

There have been people that defend God by saying that it is my choice to be depressed.  It is sort of like saying it is my choice to have an abscessed tooth.  There are also people that suggest that I am left unhealed because God wants to keep me humble; God wants to keep me in my place. My atheist friends would suggest that I am not healed because God does not exist.  There are others that would suggest that God has not healed me because he does not care.

          For many years I did not know that the misery I experienced was depression.  For many years I searched for a cause that did not exist.  And if I am honest, I cannot help but wonder what greater glory I could have brought God had I not been depressed? Most of my ‘spiritual growth’ has been recovery from depression in its many manifestations. And as I understand my life now, the drug addiction and alcoholism were a manifestation of the depression. 

          Could it be that he has been present all along?  Could it be, that his healing has been made manifest even during those times that I have suffered and stumbled?  Could it be that what I thought was broken, my life, was being made into something beautiful?  After all, it is my values, and my prejudices that place importance on youth, the time that I believe has been wasted by depression.  Maybe, just maybe, those times when I thought I was furthest from God, were the times that he used me the most? 

          It is my self-interest that has me seek healing.  I have sought to have a clean heart, and a right spirit for my enjoyment, not to be of service to God.  Maybe God believes that what I consider brokenness are those times when I am most useful to him.  For I find my own compassion is based on my own struggles, and strife.  And I look at my life, of what I have accomplished, and I am left marveling.  Could it be that God, like he does with so much else, turns my understanding of brokenness and usefulness upside down? 

          The depression that has visited me during my life has actually provided a unique perspective to be of service to others. It has allowed a combination of experience, insight and compassion for those around me.  It has had me question everything that I have told we should believe.  In short, there has been incredible value brought to my life.    

          There is a style of pottery called Kintsugi.  It is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer resin dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Behind this art is a philosophy that speaks to breakage and repair becoming part of the value of an object, rather than something to disguise.  Could it be, that it has been Christ that has been filling in the spaces between created by my brokenness? 

          So thanks for indulging me.  As a friend of mine suggests this blog is more about me working out my faith.  In this blog is has been sorting through one of the aspects of my life that I wish wasn’t. 

          I don’t know what it is for you, your brokenness, that part of you that you wish was different.  But maybe, just maybe, that which you wish was different is what makes you of value to God. 

Thank you for indulging me....