97. The lesson that could have been learned from Fifty Shades

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Eph 5:21

About three years ago there began an infatuation with a trilogy called “Fifty Shades.”  If you have not heard of it, then you have either been dead, or incarcerated in a foreign country.

I picked up a copy of the first novel, the Fifty Shades of Grey, and was so unimpressed I could not finish reading it.  It is bad writing, a bad story line, and not that imaginative.  Not surprisingly, it also does not reflect the practices of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism) in a very realistic way; this is our loss.

I believe that I have been noted for being outspoken about rape in its many guises and the need for consent.  And it is this aspect of consent that I find most intriguing about BDSM.  Within the vernacular of BDSM, there are Tops or Doms (the dominant one) and Bottoms or Subs (the submissive one).  And despite what one might assume about the sexual practices of those involved in BDSM, things are not quite as they appear.

It is the Bottom or the Submissive that actually holds the power within the relationship.  If done properly there is a detailed discussion about what will be done during a session.  And by detailed, I mean there is very little that is not discussed.  And prior to any play, the submissive one has to agree to whatever practice is done. 

Yes, there are aspects of what are expected of the Submissive, but it is the responsibility of the Dominant to ensure that everything that occurs is agreed to by the Sub.  Do not mistake that this is an effort to coerce compliance, this is an effort to submit to the sentiments of the Sub. If there is an act that the Submissive does not agree to, it is not done.

Whatever else you may think of the people who engage in BDSM, they actually provide an example of we could aspire to within our relationships.

If done properly, or so I am told, there is not only a “Safe” Word. A word that when said stops everything.  But the active person, the Dom, is attentive to the Sub. So attentive to the point that if the Sub uses the “Safe” word it calls into question the actions of the Dom.

So I ask you?

What if we lived our lives like that?  What if we lived so that we were so attentive to the person next to us they would not feel the need to defend themselves? 

What if us men adopted this as our attitude?  There would be no room for rape culture in an approach to our partners that emphasized such attention and respect.

Such attention is required in the BDSM.  With the infliction of pain, and use of fantasy, and the use of role playing a misstep can create considerable damage to a person.  And although BDSM is not overtly sexual in many instances, it does enter into the same vulnerability.  Thus, there is respect and consideration for each other.

I am not suggesting that we pick up the recreational activity of BDSM, but I do think that there is something to be considered.  Most of us who fill churches will hold judgements against those who engage in “Erotic Power Exchanges.”  Most of us will consider such conduct as immoral, yet when one considers the code of conduct of those in the BDSM community, such a judgment is questionable.

Especially as I consider some of the messages that I have heard coming from pulpits, blogs and on-line articles.  There seems to be a requirement for women to be subservient, not submissive, in a child like fashion.  And as for men, being Christ like, they are to head the house and to parent the little woman in the ways of the Lord.

I grew up in a family that was full of anger and hostility.  There was little if any consideration given towards the others within the family.  Both of my parents, one full of rage, the other full of booze had some standing within the community.  And for me, every since I was a little guy, it all seemed ass backwards.  Mom and Dad put on a mask of decency in public.  At home they were assholes.  It always seemed to me, that our refuge from the world, should be a place where we did our best to be kind and thoughtful of each other. 

I work hard at that ideal within my marriage, within my family.  I know that there are times that I fail miserably.  But I try to use how I treat my wife and my kid as measure of how I am doing as a human being.  Those times that I mistreat my wife or my kid, are times that cause me to shift my focus back to how I am with the people I love. 

So, don’t watch “Fifty Shades of Grey” it is crap.  As one meme I saw read, “Fifty Shades of Grey is a romance because he is a billionaire, if he lived in a trailer it would be the next episode of Criminal Minds.”  Tonight after I post this, and as Wanna and I lay cuddling, I want to explore some of the details of the game we play – marriage – and ensure that it all meets with her approval.