109 An Idolatry of Self

Our idea of God tells us more about ourselves than about Him. – Thomas Merton

Further to this idolatry of God, there is an idolatry of Self.

Many people I talk to about Christianity, including Christians, have this idea that our faith is a cross between a self-improvement course and a romance movie, (mine would be a romantic comedy).  There is this idea that in becoming Christians we will become the best me I can be.  And of course, it is I, who has the idea of what the best me that I can be looks like.

          There is this idea that there is a perfect you, or me.  For me, this idea of perfect is that my eccentricities, and complications, and peculiarities are somehow healed, and removed; an exorcism of my flaws.  I would be skinnier, and would like shaving, and be able to remember that my kid needs to be picked up some place, that I would not be grumpy, that my humour would not be as crass, I would remember to wear underwear – always, and more importantly remember to zip up my pants.  I would not be impatient, I would not swear at other drivers, and not think that the person ahead of me in line is talking to the cashier is just to piss me off. In short, I would be the clone of Donny Osmond.

          I can only speak of my experience. But my idea of perfection, of being the best me I can be, has more to do with my brokenness than it has to do with being a Christian.  It is taking all that I don’t like about myself, and either asking God to heal me, or doing my best to stop doing those things.   

There is change that occurs as one opens one’s life to God.  There are obvious changes that need to be made.  We know what those are.  For me it was my addiction to drugs and alcohol.  For you it may be something else, equally as glaring or maybe not. But there are those changes that we need to make, not to be good Christians, just to be decent human beings.  But then, once those changes have been made, and for me those took a while, our growth continues.  Our faith deepens, we mature, and the question then becomes now what? 

My response to that question came from two ideas.  The first, what would bring me the greatest relief?  What aspects of myself do I find embarrassing, or frustrating?  There were, and still are, the desires of that part of me which just longs to have life be different.  The second response is similar; stop doing whatever pisses off God. 

          In the last post I talked about a spiritual economy of debt and favour.  My response arises out of the sense of the transactions with God.  If I read scripture daily, pray often, go to church weekly, and perform charitable acts, then I gain favour with God.  I build up treasures in heaven.  Or, these acts can be my attempts to avoid that wrath of God.

          I want to stop and be clear, there is nothing wrong with those acts, in fact they are good things to do.  But I believe that we are called to a deeper significance of those acts.  Consider it the difference between justice that demands and eye for an eye – the fulfilling our debts, and justice that seeks to restore peace.  The acts may look similar, but the outcome is very different.  It is the difference between when I buy my wife an anniversary gift because I am supposed to, and when I buy her that gift because I love her.  It is the difference between loving God and fearing God.

Yes, I have greatly simplified these approaches to faith and how we are with each other, and with God.  I have done this in order to draw them out to discuss them.  The reality is much less straight forward, for even in the most legalistic of faiths, the love of God can be found.  And even in the most liberal of expressions, there are still obligations we are called to fulfill.  The difference, as stated above, is one of emphasis.

          And that difference is significant. When I look at a faith based on appeasing God, or making my life easier, I limit myself. As well, I limit my experience of God. For in my quest to be the best me I can be, it is still me making those decisions, and I have become my own idol – the focus of my faith.