I am wondering if you can
spare a few hours for me? Actually, it is to help with a fear. And with all fears, it is grounded in
reality, and made worse by my imagination.
But let me explain my fear, and how you can help.
To understand my fear, one
needs to understand marriage. Marriage
is not for the weak of heart, the demands that it places on a person, the
challenges that you never thought you might face, are all part of the deal. And this is one of those situations.
Never in my life was I afraid of rape. Yes, I knew that men could be raped, but I
never personally worried about such. And
yes, I was outraged by women being raped, but it was never a fear. That is, until I got married.
Marriage is truly two people becoming as one. What happens to Wanna, happens to me. Don’t hand me that crap about co-dependency,
when Wanna experiences a victory or a joy, I am elated.
When she suffers a loss, or other misery, I am saddened. One of the worst periods of our marriage for
me was when she had a peptic ulcer. Not
being able to do anything as she was in considerable pain is a misery I can
wait to revisit.
Thus, comes my fear of rape.
Wanna is mostly safe from
rape. I am not inclined towards
violence, I know I talk a good talk, but when push comes to shove I really am
non-violent. So, she is mostly safe
because I am not inclined to rape her.
The idea that most women are most prone to sexual violence with men they
know, and in their own home, more than disturbs me.
But, Wanna works downtown, and commutes by sky train. There are times when she travels late in the
evening. Night time is always worse for
me. There are fewer people on the train,
and the crime of rape is one that is done away from the prying eyes and helping
hands of others.
So, when I wait for her at the sky train station, and she
is late, I worry. If the trains are
running slow, I worry. If she was slow
getting to the train, or stayed late at work, and thus arrives late, I worry.
For I know that some asshole, who feels entitled, and takes
the not subtle clues from our culture that it is okay to rape, may see her, and
decide that she owes him. And that tears
me apart inside.
Is this simply wild
fantasy? No. I know about the idea, or concept, of
developing fears so that one’s anxiety has a place to be expressed. This is not that case. Yes, it is true, Wanna may never be the
target of sexual violence, and that is my hope.
But my fears are not unfounded.
This Saturday evening, a group who actively supports rape –
the founder believes that rape should be legal if it occurs on private property
– are planning a meeting in Vancouver, as well as in Surrey.
Think about that for a
moment. A group that actively supports
sexual violence against women feels free to meet. Now, the plan is to meet, share a secret
exchange and go to meet in a private location. As I
said, the commission of rape is one done away from prying eyes, and helping
hands. And while it might be a good sign
that they want to hide, it is still alarming that this group feels free to meet
in the first place. I wonder if Wanna’s
rapist will be there? Yes, he is a
character in my imagination, but this is the kind of event that such a
character would attend.
So, comes my request.
If you could spare a couple
of hours Saturday night and join me and others to protest, it would be appreciated. The protest is to be non-violent – fighting violence
with violence is absurd – but it is a bearing a testament that we, particularly
men, do not agree with this group. That we see
masculinity differently.
It is up to us, and it takes more than an angry facebook
post, to create a world where rape is not tolerated. So please, if you could take a couple of
hours to help me confront my fear, I would appreciate it.
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