122. Just as we are

Recently a friend of mine at church made an off-the-cuff and off-the wall comment to me.  I thought nothing of it.  She on the other hand worried about what the impact of this statement to me would be.  This wound up with her messaging me late one night to apologize. 

          It was one of those situations where I could totally relate.  She had taken a simple, and innocently intended comment and replayed it over and over in her mind.  I have had similar episodes with my mouth, and my off-the-wall sense of humour. 

          The next time I ran into her I mentioned this to her, and added the comment that she made room for me in our church.  She does.

It is only through our being open and honest and humble that we allow for each other to be members of a congregation.

I contrast this with Mr. The-chairs-are-crooked.  This is a man who wants to present as a MAN of God.  He has been blessed, redeemed, sanctified and healed.  His personal righteousness is close to impeccable., an example of what God can do.  Yet, I see him often make comment and suggestion based that are made without being aware of the other person.

I also see myself in him. He does not make room for me in the church.

Churches are a strange thing.  It is a simple idea – let’s come together to support each other in our walk with God and worship him.  The reality of doing that gets incredibly complex. It is not just church.  I have seen it in 12 step groups, service committees, and other groupings.  Our penchant for competition is what gives any group endeavour the potential for conflict.  There is great effort made in being the top of the heap.  In church, that often translates into not appearing as I really am.  In my desire to appear as who I am not, there is great damage that is done.

Firstly, the damage to the church.  This I think takes precedent over the damage to myself. For if my actions create an environment that do not allow for other people and myself to be in the church, it matters not the damage done to myself.  It is my pretending to be who I am not, that keeps us from being open to the grace of God. It makes our attending our time together just an exercise in pretense.

          It is through being open and honest – and humble – that I give you permission to be open, honest and humble.  Open to the grace and healing of God.  Honest in our relationships with each other and with God.  This, I think, if we can pull it off will have a powerful impact in our worship.

One of my favourite speakers in the 12 steps talks about how it is when we can be open and honest – free of the bullshit that we like to put out there – that God is allowed to be in that space between us.  I often think of that when I consider the phrase “Whenever two or more are gathered in my name.”

Secondly, there is the damage done to myself.  When I pretend, it is myself that I am keeping from the grace and love of God, and the fellowship of those around me.  As an addict, and introvert, I am far too familiar with the idea of hiding in plain sight.  That in my pretense I am isolating myself from the world around me.

          When I am like this, it matters not where I am, or what is there, I am not available.  Thus, when I show up at church, and am the Grand Master Pooh Bear. I may as well be showing up at any other gathering. 

I spend a great deal of time pretending that I am what I am not.  Presenting certainty when there is doubt.  Presenting courage when there is fear.  The number of people who I am open, and honest, and transparent with are a select handful of people.  But with those people I am honest and open with, I am very honest and open with.  I need to be.

          What I like, is that over the course of my involvement with my church, there have been people there that have come into that circle of those that I am honest with. 

I know that I cannot be totally transparent to everyone, particularly at church, but as I gather with those who do know me, and my struggles, I know that church becomes a better place for me.  That is my hope for you. That is my hope for Mr. The-chairs-are-crooked.

Oh by the way, Mr. The-chairs-are-crooked is a fictional character, and although no one knows who he or she is you do know you know who she is or he is, or I am.