86. Hello Darkness My Old Friend - Conclusion

Psalm 51:10 - 12

Create in me a clean heart, O God;

 and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from thy presence;

and take not thy holy spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation;

 and uphold me with thy free spirit.

So the question is....if God is all powerful, and thus able to heal me, why hasn’t he? 

There have been people that defend God by saying that it is my choice to be depressed.  It is sort of like saying it is my choice to have an abscessed tooth.  There are also people that suggest that I am left unhealed because God wants to keep me humble; God wants to keep me in my place. My atheist friends would suggest that I am not healed because God does not exist.  There are others that would suggest that God has not healed me because he does not care.

          For many years I did not know that the misery I experienced was depression.  For many years I searched for a cause that did not exist.  And if I am honest, I cannot help but wonder what greater glory I could have brought God had I not been depressed? Most of my ‘spiritual growth’ has been recovery from depression in its many manifestations. And as I understand my life now, the drug addiction and alcoholism were a manifestation of the depression. 

          Could it be that he has been present all along?  Could it be, that his healing has been made manifest even during those times that I have suffered and stumbled?  Could it be that what I thought was broken, my life, was being made into something beautiful?  After all, it is my values, and my prejudices that place importance on youth, the time that I believe has been wasted by depression.  Maybe, just maybe, those times when I thought I was furthest from God, were the times that he used me the most? 

          It is my self-interest that has me seek healing.  I have sought to have a clean heart, and a right spirit for my enjoyment, not to be of service to God.  Maybe God believes that what I consider brokenness are those times when I am most useful to him.  For I find my own compassion is based on my own struggles, and strife.  And I look at my life, of what I have accomplished, and I am left marveling.  Could it be that God, like he does with so much else, turns my understanding of brokenness and usefulness upside down? 

          The depression that has visited me during my life has actually provided a unique perspective to be of service to others. It has allowed a combination of experience, insight and compassion for those around me.  It has had me question everything that I have told we should believe.  In short, there has been incredible value brought to my life.    

          There is a style of pottery called Kintsugi.  It is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer resin dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Behind this art is a philosophy that speaks to breakage and repair becoming part of the value of an object, rather than something to disguise.  Could it be, that it has been Christ that has been filling in the spaces between created by my brokenness? 

          So thanks for indulging me.  As a friend of mine suggests this blog is more about me working out my faith.  In this blog is has been sorting through one of the aspects of my life that I wish wasn’t. 

          I don’t know what it is for you, your brokenness, that part of you that you wish was different.  But maybe, just maybe, that which you wish was different is what makes you of value to God. 

Thank you for indulging me....

85. Hello Darkness My Old Friend - a second take

So last post I began writing about how my depression has created opportunities for God’s grace, and teaching.  If I maintain that God can use any situation to further his grace, and love, then I should apply this to my life.  I liken depression to living within a gray-scale world – everything is just a varied shade of gray.  This is not as exciting about a recent literary success that had fifty shades.  This is a continuation of that writing....

Hebrews 12:7 & 8 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.

There have been times with my depression that I have wondered what I have done to bring this on.  Is depression punishment from God?  What was it that God wanted me to understand?  What was it that God wanted me to change?  Those days, mostly in my teenage years, and mostly in my addiction were excruciating.  I know about separation from God, as my depression has often left me unable to feel the love of others, as well as the love of God.  As I sitting writing, I recall feeling hopelessly lost, and condemned.

          I am not sure what the discipline of God would be, and honestly, I don’t know if I have experienced such discipline.  But I do know that this prickly shaped gift, has been of use.  There have been those of course who have been quick to point out that my depression is either God disciplining me, or that my faith has been lacking.  In this affliction, I find neither the discipline of a loving god, or a condition hastened by a lack of belief.

The first lesson I include today is...

Ecclesiastes 1:1 & 2 The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:

“Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”

The first two verses of Ecclesiastes resonated with me as a teenager, the time when depression had its onset.  I don’t think my depression was a hardship visited on me by God. My experience was that I could not pray hard enough, or study the bible enough, or be obedient enough to find relief.  In hindsight, my depression seems to have stemmed from just how messed up life was at the time.  While maybe not the substance of books, life at home was chaotic and at times violent. 

          But I have learned that all is meaningless. That which we place importance upon, prestige, possessions, wealth, whatever we may take as having significance, isn’t.  That in the end whatever I may think is important, is not.  Whatever accomplishment, whatever success, whatever importance I feel I have in my life is meaningless. It does make me any better than you, nor do your accomplishments place you in a position above anyone else.

The second lesson is closely related...

Matt 6:19 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

There has always been an aspect of my depression that has seemed a clearer view of the world, a deeper understanding.  In the absence of joy in my life, I have seen the futility of the world around me.  Depression has pointed out that whatever is shiny and new will grow old, dull and rusty.  There is no lasting value in material possessions.  Depression is also quick to point out that regardless of whatever wealth may be accumulated it can never make up for the

          It has taught me not to seek fulfillment through material goods.  Not that I have that I sought to “store up” treasures in heaven, but I have frequently sought that which has a lasting value – compassion, grace, service and love/

There are few people that I have in mind as I write this, I hope that in doing so, that I can offer encouragement to you.

Til next post....

84.Hello Darkness My Old Friend

One of my beliefs is that everything can work towards the glory of God. I belief that there is nothing so severe, evil, nasty, ugly, bad, malignant, that God cannot use that to his purpose.  His purpose may not be to show how great he is, his purpose may be to provide an example to others, or another agenda not of my knowing.  My addiction and subsequent recovery is one such example.  I do believe that even if I had not recovered, that there would still be good that could have come out of that situation.

          So it was with that perspective that I read a blog post titled the same as this one.  Thus, giving me the idea for this entry.  The original piece explained what it is like to be affected by depression, that in the midst of what would be considered wondrous moments there is always a tinge of sadness.  Depression, for me, is like walking though sludge, each movement requires extra effort.  There are some days that just showing up is a victory.

          Currently, the medication, life circumstances, and other factors have managed to grant a reprieve.  As with any remission, there is a sense of tentativeness, but honestly being content is becoming normal again.  So it is in this moment that I have been thinking what is the benefit of depression. Is my depression a demented gift that somehow blesses and increases my life as it adds a layer of unwanted effort?

          In my depression I am not a “glass half full” type of person.  I am – the glass is freaking dirty, the water looks like it has grown stagnant, and I am so thirsty that there would be no relief from drinking it, so get the glass out of my face.  There are people who state that depression is just anger turned inwards, this is because most depressed people can be kind of cranky.  The truth, we tend to be grumpy simply because life is the shits.  The other aspect of depression is that when I am depressed I can be truly funny.

          But as I wrote, there is a reprieve.  They have come before and they have left.  So while I am feeling the love, I want to reflect on whether depression is a gift. Thus begins a series of entries.  Excuse the self-absorption, but it is my hope that in writing this that you too can see whatever challenges you as being a gift.

Romans 8:20 & 21 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

Could it be that there is intense sanity in depression?  Our faith tells us that we live in a broken world.  Having grown up in Edmonton, in North America, the brokenness was abstract.  There were not armed terrorist roaming the streets, nor were there famines, or other natural disasters.  Yet, there was an underlying sense that the world, us people, were damaged.  Yes, that may well be just the trauma of being raised in my family, but in my depression I see how far we have drifted away from what life was meant to be.    It has been my depression that has revealed the brutality with which we treat each other.

Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Likewise, the self searching and scathing aspect of depression, has revealed the brutality with which I treat others.  And it is within this awareness that I come to understand my own need for healing, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

          My memories carry many cringe worthy moments of when I have said or done something callous and mean-spirited.  The gift of my depression is that it levels the playing field reminding me that when the author wrote, “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” that I am included.

          It makes me less inclined to judge others, I think, as I realize that at whatever point I judge others I condemn myself, for I do the very same things.

Til next week and next post – God bless and keep.

83. Who is in your religion?

The following blog may be an indication of why it is a good thing for me to fall asleep quickly instead of lying in bed wondering if penguins have knees, or this offering.

I was out for a walk with a friend of mine.  It is a regular but infrequent pleasure of mine.  The friend I walk with is instrumental in my braving the coming to church again.  The irony that he no longer goes to church is not lost on me.  But we chat about God, and as many Christians do, our focus is on understanding our religion.

          Much of the conversation I have with my fellow Christians is actually trying to make sense out of what we believe.  There are discussions on understanding the bible, discerning God’s will for us, and of course discussing various doctrines.  I think, I would further ahead if I realized that God is pretty gracious and that if I mess up my beliefs he would be as equally gracious about that as he has been about the times I have been an idiot.

          On this particular day, we invited an acquaintance of ours to join us.  As we were walking along, the newer member to our wanderings talked about the religion of others.  He discussed that these other religions were the religion of man, while we have the religion of God.

          I actually left well enough alone, and did not challenge him that ALL religion is man created.  Regardless of how well intentioned we are, all religions are man made. I would hope, that you would believe that what you practice is as close to what God intended as we can get.  It is like the night a friend of mine was talking about another religion, and he said. “You would hope that they would follow what they believe to be god, cause if they didn’t that would be stupid.”

          So, I believe strongly that our religion, any religion, is our best attempt to worship God as we believe he intended us to do. 

Yet, we are quick to take the discrediting of the religion of others one step further than we should.  There are numerous Christians that would hold that other religions, being false religions, are worship of Satan in disguise.  The train of thought is that the religions of others are nothing more than idol worship, and the idol is really an image of Satan.  Thus, we the practitioners of our religion worship God, everyone else worships Satan.

          In our propensity to be the ones that God loves best, we carry this thinking into interdenominational matters. I know of people that think Catholics are doomed for Hell because they worship the saints and the saints are idols....you get the picture.  It is just another version of salvation through correct belief.

          And I wonder...

How many of us are actually engaged in Idol worship?  Join me in thinking about this for a moment.  How many people do you know whose experience, or belief of who you are, has very little to do with the reality of who you are?  So when they talk to you, they are actually not talking to you, but to who they think you are.  At this point I probably should have rolled over and cuddled Wanna and gone to sleep.

          As I have grown and matured in my faith, or at least as it has evolved, my understanding of God has changed.  Some of those changes have been drastic, others not so much.  Those changes have been enough that I know that my earlier understanding of God was close to being idolatry.  Does that mean, my earlier faith was actually satanic worship?  There would be those who would think so. 

            As I read the articles in numerous on-line Christian magazines, and I will at times see the hatred and vitriol that is offered as passion for God, I am left wondering.  It would not take me long to find an article that disgusts me that is written as a perspective of Christ and his love for us.  To me it seems clear that this person has scant experience with the love or grace of God.

               As the apostle Paul says, "I see through a glass darkly."  I see this as an exhortation to be mindful that we don't have a clear understanding. We really are in no position to throw criticism at the practices of others, inside or outside of our faith.,  For I think many of us, are one step away from not worshiping God.

          

So I ask myself, Who is in My Religion?

To come to a close, I think the message for me in this entry is maybe I should be paying more attention to who, or what, I am worshiping instead of trying to decide who, or what, you are worshiping.  Secondly, perhaps I fall asleep faster.