60. More Than I Can Handle

One of the worship leaders spoke the truth this Sunday.  She talked about how we are told that God never gives us more than we can handle. Then she said, “That is not true, we often get more than we can handle.”

          She then talked about that often we are given more than we can handle, so that we come to learn how to rely on God.  And I appreciate the sentiment, and I do believe that there are times when God does intervene.  But I think those times are the exception.  But I also believe that God doesn’t give us situations to handle. 

          It leads to the entire question of God’s interaction with the created world.  There are important questions that are raised.  Is God all powerful?  Is God everywhere?  Is God all knowing?  If he is, then why does he allow tragedy, some of them of great magnitude?  

          It also leads to other questions, about our expectations of life, and the world.  There is a denial of the nature of life.  Life is a struggle.  It ends in death.  I am not being pessimistic, I am being a realist.  We are told in scripture that all of creation groans.  And so, there is great tragedy that befalls all of us.

          It also calls into question our faith, or rather my faith, and why do I believe in God?  Also integral to this question is how to do I access the power of the God, the strength of the Holy Spirit?  As well, the question of how do I live out my faith is raised.

          For me it comes down to my belief that we have not been abandoned by God.  That he resides among us, and in us.  And the clues to that are all around. 

          “I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!”  And,  ^“Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” 

          We are called to be active in our faith.  We are called to see the Christ in others, and in doing so serve him.  We are called to be the body of Christ, and I take that quite literally.  We are called to be each others miracles.

          My spiritual heritage tells me that what I cannot do alone, we can do together.   In my early days in twelve step programs I was told that my staying clean helped the person beside me stay clean as well. 

          These days, life does not have that same sense of urgency.  It is a illusion that I am willing to take comfort in.  But it is true, there is not the same daily struggle, and I no longer have those mornings when my first decision is to whether I will end my own life.  But that does not diminish my need of others, nor of their need for me.

          So I believe, that yes, I often get more than I can handle.  And yes, often that is to develop a deeper reliance on God.  But I also believe that often the more than I can handle, if it is allowed to happen is to nourish my relationship with the others in my life.  For I believe that together, there is nothing that we cannot handle.

          I also believe that often getting more than I can handle is the disappointment that I am not getting what I want. 

59. Being anxious

Philippians 4:6 & 7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

We will come back to the law and the fulfillment of it, in another blog post.  Right now, my mind races and I feel overwhelmed and anxious.  AA has a saying “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.”  A cousin of mine says that it must have been a very good day indeed when the author wrote those words.

          The “review” of my company has taken a most serious and somewhat sinister turn.  I will not go into the details, but the response to the irregularities within the company are seen as a reason to close the company.  There are those who know that such irregularities can be found within every agency, and that they are not as serious as presented.  But, the review has made life a struggle.

          I really resist the idea that in God all things happen for a reason.  It sets up a rather nasty conversation that I really do not want to have. If indeed, all things happen for a reason, then why is there so much tragedy.  Most people who I ask that question quick do a mental sleight of hand and state that we live in a fallen world, and thus sin abounds and bad things happen.  So I do not see the hand of God in what is going on, and resent that many people are left feeling anxious and bothered.

          The verse most people use to justify the idea that all things happen for a reason is Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Need I remind you, that we worship God, who did not spare his only begotten son a torturous death.  I am also aware that one of the authors of the verse from Philippians was stoned to death while the other was beheaded.  There are times that God’s working things for the good of those who love him, lacks a certain gentility.

          But I do believe that whatever befalls us, whatever kind of tragedy visits our lives, God can and will use that to the betterment of the world around us and ourselves.  However, I cannot help but to desire to be one of those from whom the circumstances in which this working of God’s good grace arises out of is wealth.

          I know God sees a more distant horizon than I, and that which troubles my mind and soul now will one day, and not that far away, be distant memories.  Tonight as I write, there is a sense of claustrophobia that blankets me.  It is hard to see any horizon in the fog of fear and anxiety that has descended on me.  As I said earlier in my writing, I am overwhelmed.

          Part of me believes that what I am going through will in time allow me a deeper level of love and compassion for someone else.  But I also think I am pretty good in that department, it is not like I need what is going on in order to make me better able to relate to others.

          In the midst of this, I have been asked if I would be interested in being involved with a project that works with long term prisoners.  In the midst of my discouragement comes a request to be involved in the lives of others.  Within this new opportunity comes means to continue to support my family.  So, within my current struggles I see God working towards the good of others.

         

          I am also told to “Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice.” Phil 4:4.  It also says – “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” (4:5) This written by two guys whose sense of claustrophobia and impending doom were likely more pronounced and intense than mine.  And thus, I am challenged, to look at what I have to be grateful for within my life. And before I am finished writing, I am expressing gratefulness for what I possess in my life.

          So I will go forth from here, rejoicing.  And as I do I come to be aware that perhaps, the good that is being worked will be in the one who sees herself as my adversary.  Perhaps it is gentleness that will have her come to understand that those who show up to care may not always look like she wants them to.

58. Love?

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Romans 12:17 - 21

My mother was a ruminator, she could work a resentment better than Dudley, my long past Labrador Retriever, could work a Kong stuffed with peanut butter.  She would brood over a situation, be it a slight or injury to the ego, for days.  I would listen as she gave the unknown person a piece of her mind while she cleaned the house.

          I did not pick up her habit of cleaning house, but I did pick up her habit of holding a grudge.  After years of listening to her give someone a piece of her mind, I got skillful at the same thing.

          There are a few aspects of the practice of giving someone a-piece-of-your-mind.  First, one is perpetually practicing saying awful things to other people.  Second, with this skillful repartee of verbal skills, you are constantly looking at someone to use them on. – Why carry a weapon if you can’t use it – thus those who have even marginally offended you are subject to a quick come back, and the more biting the better.  Third, life becomes a continual prospect to unleash this nastiness on.  The idea is that at some point one will be able to unload on the offending person in such a way that a level of satisfaction comes from this vindication. 

          This was often the basis of therapy that I went to seeking solutions.  There were safety bats that were used to move the anger through your body.  I was in one group that used a tennis racket and a pillow to beat the anger out of ourselves.  The idea, and maybe I got it wrong, was that either I would deplete the amount of anger in me, or finally feel satisfied that I had expressed my rage at the treatment of me by my parents – most often, or others from my childhood.

          There is one problem – this just doesn’t work.  The idea of venting your spleen, does not work, and in fact serves to only further entrench anger in your life.  Those of us who practice forgiveness – it has taken me a while – know the truth of this philosophy. One cannot be angry enough, or loud enough, or expressive enough to finally break free and stop being angry.  One can only stop being angry by, well, forgiving and working on not being angry, and relying on the grace and power of the Holy Spirit.

         

St. Paul counsels us, “Do not be transformed to this world.”  We are called to be radically different in the world.  In our faith, we are called to love those who persecute us, pray for those who would wish us harm, to help those who would hinder us.

          This is a radical departure from the no-one-fucks-with-me world; where we are encouraged to stand up for ourselves, to not let people get away with it, or to put people in their place.  We are called to a radically different view. After all, our God came to earth knowing that he would die a gruesome death at the hands of those he loved.  We are called to emulate him.  And such is the way of love.

          I have a fondness for this verse.  I believe, and do not want to digress in this blog, that we have an addiction to punishment, and a pathological need to get even.  Part of me likes to translate “heaping burning coals” as meaning to embarrass, or even to given a profound headache to the person.  But I like the commentary that talks about “heaping coals on the head”, relates to ensuring that the needs of the person are being fully met.  That heaping burning coals relates more to ensuring that there will be a cooking fire for the person – that all their needs are met.

          I wish it was more sinister – there is that medieval part of me that wants to relate this to torture.  Even the commentary that this verse is about melting the person with kindness is a bit more bearable.  But really?  To ensure that all the needs of the person are met?  What kind of God would ask that of us?

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’  But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”  Matt 5:38 - 42

57. Peace May Come

Bear with me as I take you for a guided tour through a convoluted experience.  In following along, I simply invite you to consider what may fit for you, and perhaps experience some of the growth that seems to have been flung at me this week.

You may have been able to tell that I have some personal baggage – issues – history with the entire Christianity thing. While I cannot, and am not inclined to, draw comparisons with others, one of the challenges of my faith is sorting through the messages that came to me through a haze of addiction, depression and trauma. 

          One of the cringe worthy passages of the bible, for me, was Matthew 5:14 - 16.  Thus this past Sunday when the scripture verses for the lesson were this passage, I just about decided that it was finally time to re-grout the bathroom.  Or, to go for that dental check-up I keep putting off.

          The circumstances surrounding this passage were, or are, quite dark.  Mingled amongst the adolescent angst of the time, were particularly troubling events at home.  There is nothing that will catapult adolescence into an absurdly toxic process than having parents who are acting out themselves.

          I had interpreted this verse to mean that God would embarrass me by making me “The Light of the World.”  That I would have to go door to door, locker to locker, telling people what Jesus would do for me.  The deal was, as I understood it, be obedient and I don’t have to go to hell. 

          After all, I am the light of the world – I am called to set myself up for ridicule and scorn (read the preceding verses in Matthew).  I just did not want to do that, I just wanted some of the rest that the bible seemed to offer and did not deliver.  I was selling out God, he was mad at me, and well, hell was waiting.  After all – why would God light a lamp just to hide it?  Thus, the song “This little light of mine” took on some very sinister implications.

This past Saturday I was busy doing a few odd jobs – cleaning the crud out of the car when I looked up to see two young men coming down the drive way.  They were wearing white shirts and ties, and carrying bags of God knows what in them.  The look on my face must have been interesting cause they stopped their advance.

          I said, “Hey I am quite content with my spiritual condition, please leave.” 

          The lead guy said something back, to which I said, “Please show some respect and leave.”

        There had been a similar guy, all guys in white shirts and ties look alike to me, a few weeks earlier.  Getting him to leave my door way was a bit of a trick. I also told him not to leave the offered religious tract on my car, and no, I did not know anyone who would want to talk to him.  I was kind of pleased with myself that I did not swear at him.

          I have a fair idea what religion or variety of Christianity or cult or belief system he was peddling.  And truth be told, I really didn’t care, and to be honest, judgmental but honest, he really didn’t give a shit about my spiritual condition – he cared about being a good whatever-it-is. 

So Sunday, and the sermon that made me cringe before Pastor Dan even had a chance to say anything.  For how I had come to understand this verse, was that what was required of me, was what the guy in my driveway had done that day before.  And my reluctance to do that very same thing, to be the light of the world, had created guilt and condemnation for me.  (And yes, if you think that it may have to do more with the guilt and condemnation I felt infused in my life at the time you would be right).

          We are the light of the world, I am the light of the world.  Hang out with me long enough and you get know some things about me.  I love my family, I love paint ball – and even feel that I should work less and play more, that I have a passion for caring for those not as fortunate as I, and that I love God. And I want you to love God.  Not because if you don’t you will be punished, but because it is good for you to be in right relationship with him.

          My faith is a light on the hill.    

I have come to understand that I am the Light of the World, in that God has chosen me to show how he loves us.  It is not by walking down your drive way that I shine my light, it is by walking with you.  Letting you see what a life in faith might look like.  I am being used as an example, of how God loves us, despite the insanity, and fear, and failings that beset us, or me.  What is being glorified is not an obedience to God, but his grace and love. 

          There have been a few tears shed as I have come to terms with all of this during the past few days.  Relief mostly, some from the pain that I still carry.