44. Lessons from Recovery

This week I celebrated 30 years of abstaining from drugs and alcohol.  While it was a continuous journey out of the depths of addiction, the path was not easy nor was it straight forward.  In many ways I was crazier than when I used. It has been a struggle of surrendering to God on increasingly more fundamental levels of my life.  In this path I have confronted depression, and other obsessions and compulsions, one obsession was a desire to end my own life, and an understanding of my own brokenness.  I have also come to know a love and peace that is much more than I ever expected.  In recognition of this, I want to share a bit of what I have learned. 

Understand as you read this that for me recovery, spirituality and life are synonymous and interchangeable.  Although I did make a conscious decision about Christ, salvation and acceptance when I was seventeen, I did not get clean and sober until I was 24. That decision when I was seventeen was based on fear of going to hell, and muddled in the trauma of surviving my family and the insanity of addiction.  So in many ways I had to reject that decision in order to mature. 

My journey through recovery has also included attending and leaving churches.  Much of this has been due to my love of God and my resistance to much of the doctrine I hear.  As well, much of this has been also due to my reluctance to people telling me what to do.  But, I have kept moving, one day at a time, called by loved.  So this is some of what I have learned.

The power of grace in a yielded heart

There are two miracles - the first that I have committed to being clean for 30 years.  The second is that God has removed the obsession and compulsion that is addiction.  It has been a divine partnership between me and God.  I have obviously done things to keep me clean, to call this obedience greatly over exaggerates my maturity.  But it has been the mystery of me doing what I can - at times reluctantly - and letting the Love and Grace of God work in my life.  And in truth I wonder how much of what has come to be is actually my doing?

It is not one decision

On that morning on 1983 November 23 that I looked at myself in the mirror and surrendered - that was not the end of it.  Everyday since then there has been the same decision to surrender.  Some days the decision not to use was made hours if not moments at a time. Equally - everyday there is a moment, sometimes fleeting, that I am amazed and grateful for my life.  I often see an emphasis on the decision, we emphasis the catharsis of coming to Christ, that has not been my experience, it is in the daily following where miracles happen.

Keep It Simple

Honestly, I can become obsessed with a single word in scripture and what is meant by it.  Spirituality comes down to am I being loving.  We, I , get far too caught up words, labels, concepts and in the process forget the task at hand.  Yes, I have done the same with the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous.  The Bible and the other literature seems to keep matters quite simple.  Love God, love your neighbour,

Progress not perfection

At some point faith needs to shift from how can I stop being a doofus to how do I live imperfectly.  How do I live in love while still being strange?  I still have a propensity to over react and to become angry, but I am called into service.  And while my life is made better by having a joyful heart - I still need to serve my Lord even if I am grumbling.  I also cut myself some slack, after all I no longer pass out in peoples houses or puke on their front lawns.  No longer to I go on drunken tirades of other people.  I have come to realize that I will always struggle, but I can always serve.

The point of spirituality is to live in Grace today.

The reward of my life is not some distant reward - most often projected as the avoidance of punishment - it is living a life that I am meant to live.  The benefit of living life based on spiritual basis is that it is so much easier for me to live with myself.  I truly believe that I am called to live in right relationship with God, and those around me.

Life can never been done alone.

The first tradition of NA and AA is that our common welfare should come first - that we rely on unity with our fellowship.  Anyone who has been around either fellowship will know that this is what we strive for and rarely achieve.  But in this tradition that recovery/spirituality/life is not a self-help activity.  So it is with my spirituality and I see profound wisdom in being told that whenever two or more of us are gathered in his name that he is there.

The best I can do is worry about my path.

While I am called to be of service to others, my focus needs to be on my walk, on whether I am obeying God.  What you do, unless it impacts,me, is really none of my business.  While you and I need to walk together, it is through mutual support and affection that we can make progress.  The best I can hope to be is not wrong.