I am going to kill someone. While no crime will actually be committed,
and the violence committed on my part is unobservable, I am killing
someone. I feel quite justified in doing
so, hopefully to take such drastic action I should feel justified. As well most of you who read this would
support me in my decision.
The
situation developed a while ago, as myself and my family went to considerable
lengths to help this man. This included
employing him – not an act of generosity as much as recognizing that he was in
a particularly unique position to be of service. The assistance offered him was not entirely
altruistic – it is not that either me or my family went “What great people we
are for doing this!” – But it was that rush of actually making a difference in
someone’s life.
Then
two weeks ago there developed a situation at work. His response was to resign, and although I let
that happen, I also gave him his letter of termination. Thus, it was a mutually agreed upon parting
of ways, but I needed to assure him that there was no return.
Since
then he has been somewhat vocal about me.
He has told people that he is angry with me, and is not planning to talk
to me for a while. And I know there will
come a time when he will want to speak to me. It is at that point that I will
kill him.
My
message to him will be that I have indeed mistreated him, and that such
treatment should not be tolerated. I
will include that the best course of action would be to never acknowledge my
presence again, and do not speak to me. Sort
of the back handed way of telling him to fuck off. I want it to hurt. I want it to hurt as much as I have felt
hurt.
Then
Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother
or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times,
but seventy-seven times.
There
are other verses that I have used in justifying this plot, not surprisingly one
of the has to do with pigs. That is that
magic of the bible, we can usually find some verse to justify what it is that
we are up to. I ignore God’s request
that he desires mercy not sacrifice, as well, as the admonition to love him as
I love myself.
Before
you assume that this is just hyperbole, addiction is such a strange phenomena
that to be isolated can be fatal. So
truly, it is not just killing him off, as in “You are dead to me.” There are consequences that extend beyond
this decision. And while I believe that
my actions, or at least, my plan is the correct one, like all else in my life
it is warped and convoluted by my fallen nature. And it is that which troubles me. As
well, the fact that I dwell upon this situation troubles me. Today it interrupted the sermon on hope. It ran havoc with my day. And in the end, I think makes me less than
what I am called to be.
A
few weeks ago, I listened to a pod cast – those marvels of the internet – which
discussed Satan. The concept presented
was that Satan – the tempter and the accuser – was not a being but a position. The podcast went on to present the concept
that we, you and I, can and do take the place of Satan. Scary concept! The podcast discussed the temptation of
Jesus, and posited that perhaps we in our own ways – tempt Jesus the same as
when he was in the wilderness. And I
realize that in my anger I am the accuser.
But
today, I miss my friend – and am terribly hurt by what has happened. I hate being as convoluted and complicated as
what I am. My desire for Jesus to
return, is really a desire that life be simple and fun, a desire to have this
struggle taken away from me. The
deliverance I seek is from this nature of mine.
I
have not much more to say. It is a
situation where I am struggling with my desire for retribution much more so
than just letting go and getting on with life.
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