46. My committments

The year of blogging is coming to an end.  By my estimation I will have 49 posts up by the end of the year.  Not quite once per week, but close.  Better than I thought I would do.  It has been a struggle.  And mostly, I have written for myself – this has been my devotional, my meditation.

          I have confronted that which I have either learned, or imagine I have learned, or somehow or other come to acquire as believing people have decided God is, or should be: stuff that I have felt, or believed, to not be truth.  It has been an exorcism as a friend of mine has called this writing.  Loosing those demons of my life that have been fueled by a vision skewed by early childhood trauma, my own addiction, and depression.

          Trust me when you feel like life is full of impending doom, the bible is probably the LAST book you should read.

          This is a process that began with the death of my father in 1986, and will continue.  It has seen me reject Christianity, and I mostly still do, seek God elsewhere, and has seen me return.  But, let’s start at the beginning.

          My dad was dying of cancer.  This is man whose entire life seemed to be a mission to get it.  There were times that he drank two to three 26 oz bottles of vodka a day, for years at a time.  As AA states he was in the grip of powerful and baffling illness.  I do not think that he chose that life. 

          As he lay dying, I had come to visit him one weekend.  That Sunday I went to church, the one I had attended with the Drunken Charismatic Lutherans.  The mother of a friend of mine asked me what I was doing in town.  I told her about my dad dying, and she replied that we needed to save his eternal soul.

          This resulted in a declaration.  I did not believe that Jesus had come to earth to die on the cross for us, just so that he could send a man who had not made a rational decision in twenty years to hell.  She quoted scripture.  I told her that obviously we did not believe in the same God.

          From that point forward I struggled with church.  I still do.  I also came to believe that religion has no place in my life.  By religion, I mean the organized set of doctrines that take precedence over the leanings of the Holy Spirit in me, and my understanding of the Bible, and my relationship to Jesus.  I still have little time for religion.

          I sought God, divinity, in two different practices; Paganism and Buddhism.  What I saw, was the same attempt by people to usurp the relationship between God and his creation.  A different version, but the same dynamic that I had seen in church – “Gerald Gardner wrote, I believe it, that settles it.”  In a spirituality that by intent rejects legalism, I saw people creating rules to follow – that would apply to both Buddhism and Paganism.

          In the end, I came to believe that there was nowhere for me to fit.  And then a curious thing happened, I saw a child walking up the centre aisle of a church – and came to realize I had found a home.  I also came to realize that it was up to me to carve a place for me in the body of Christ.  Maybe carve is not the right word.

          And then this blog.  Part apologetics – a word I detest – explaining the word of God.  Part meditation.  Part Soap Box. 

          What has impressed me, is how simple the message of the gospel seems.  As I read it, it seems that what God wants is to have us love him and each other.  God being God, is a he cause it is easier for us – just ask someone what gender is God? 

          So....as I come to the close of the year, what have I found?

          I am even more committed to opposing the doctrine of Penal Substitution, and although I do believe there is power in the Cross, it is the resurrection where the power of Christ is truly found.  (It is the only act of his that we are asked to believe). (Rom 10:9)

          I am committed to the belief that sin is not about disobedience, but about our failure to be truly human – Paul writes about that he is trapped in a body that will not do what he wants it to do and does what he does not want it to do. Yes, disobedience does play a role, but it is the damage that our acts do that saddens and angers God, not our failure to follow his check list.

          I am committed to the belief that we are the ones that desire punishment and sacrifice.  The adage of an eye for eye is not a recipe for justice, but a limitation on our vengeance.  I believe that the requirements for sacrifice, are similarly designed to appease our appetite for violence.

          I am committed to the belief that I am called to be loving.  In the ministry of Jesus I see first and foremost a declaration that God desires nothing more that to be in relationship to us.  And with this belief comes the belief that there is no place where the presence of God can be experienced more powerfully than in the space that is created between you and I as we come together in love.

          I am committed to allowing the Love of God to cast out all fear.  For I believe it is fear that keeps from him and from you.  And trust me, I have a long long way to go.  Do I need repeat that I have a long way to go?

          I am committed to growing in faith, and wait for it – maturity – so all of what have written is subject to change.

Finally - I am committed to editing before I post.