44. Lessons from Recovery

This week I celebrated 30 years of abstaining from drugs and alcohol.  While it was a continuous journey out of the depths of addiction, the path was not easy nor was it straight forward.  In many ways I was crazier than when I used. It has been a struggle of surrendering to God on increasingly more fundamental levels of my life.  In this path I have confronted depression, and other obsessions and compulsions, one obsession was a desire to end my own life, and an understanding of my own brokenness.  I have also come to know a love and peace that is much more than I ever expected.  In recognition of this, I want to share a bit of what I have learned. 

Understand as you read this that for me recovery, spirituality and life are synonymous and interchangeable.  Although I did make a conscious decision about Christ, salvation and acceptance when I was seventeen, I did not get clean and sober until I was 24. That decision when I was seventeen was based on fear of going to hell, and muddled in the trauma of surviving my family and the insanity of addiction.  So in many ways I had to reject that decision in order to mature. 

My journey through recovery has also included attending and leaving churches.  Much of this has been due to my love of God and my resistance to much of the doctrine I hear.  As well, much of this has been also due to my reluctance to people telling me what to do.  But, I have kept moving, one day at a time, called by loved.  So this is some of what I have learned.

The power of grace in a yielded heart

There are two miracles - the first that I have committed to being clean for 30 years.  The second is that God has removed the obsession and compulsion that is addiction.  It has been a divine partnership between me and God.  I have obviously done things to keep me clean, to call this obedience greatly over exaggerates my maturity.  But it has been the mystery of me doing what I can - at times reluctantly - and letting the Love and Grace of God work in my life.  And in truth I wonder how much of what has come to be is actually my doing?

It is not one decision

On that morning on 1983 November 23 that I looked at myself in the mirror and surrendered - that was not the end of it.  Everyday since then there has been the same decision to surrender.  Some days the decision not to use was made hours if not moments at a time. Equally - everyday there is a moment, sometimes fleeting, that I am amazed and grateful for my life.  I often see an emphasis on the decision, we emphasis the catharsis of coming to Christ, that has not been my experience, it is in the daily following where miracles happen.

Keep It Simple

Honestly, I can become obsessed with a single word in scripture and what is meant by it.  Spirituality comes down to am I being loving.  We, I , get far too caught up words, labels, concepts and in the process forget the task at hand.  Yes, I have done the same with the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous.  The Bible and the other literature seems to keep matters quite simple.  Love God, love your neighbour,

Progress not perfection

At some point faith needs to shift from how can I stop being a doofus to how do I live imperfectly.  How do I live in love while still being strange?  I still have a propensity to over react and to become angry, but I am called into service.  And while my life is made better by having a joyful heart - I still need to serve my Lord even if I am grumbling.  I also cut myself some slack, after all I no longer pass out in peoples houses or puke on their front lawns.  No longer to I go on drunken tirades of other people.  I have come to realize that I will always struggle, but I can always serve.

The point of spirituality is to live in Grace today.

The reward of my life is not some distant reward - most often projected as the avoidance of punishment - it is living a life that I am meant to live.  The benefit of living life based on spiritual basis is that it is so much easier for me to live with myself.  I truly believe that I am called to live in right relationship with God, and those around me.

Life can never been done alone.

The first tradition of NA and AA is that our common welfare should come first - that we rely on unity with our fellowship.  Anyone who has been around either fellowship will know that this is what we strive for and rarely achieve.  But in this tradition that recovery/spirituality/life is not a self-help activity.  So it is with my spirituality and I see profound wisdom in being told that whenever two or more of us are gathered in his name that he is there.

The best I can do is worry about my path.

While I am called to be of service to others, my focus needs to be on my walk, on whether I am obeying God.  What you do, unless it impacts,me, is really none of my business.  While you and I need to walk together, it is through mutual support and affection that we can make progress.  The best I can hope to be is not wrong.

43. The Sexual Sin we Should be Outraged About

In the past little while there have been six sexual assaults out at the University of British Columbia.  This past week, the Vancouver Police announced the arrest of a man who had raped a woman after getting into a van that she had thought was a taxi.  And while working on this entry the police have announced they are looking for a suspect in the sexual assault of a 14 year old girl.

          So I have question.  Where is the righteous indignation? I have not heard, and I have been listening, to anything coming from my Christian brothers and sisters who have denounced homosexuality.  If we were interested in preserving the sanctity of sex, then why are we so mute about rape?

          I have not heard any glaring statements from pulpits decrying the sin of rape, sexual assault, or molestation.  I have not seen any signs saying “God Hates Rapists” Nor have I heard any comments about women and children being trafficked for sex.  It happens in Vancouver, and no doubt it happens in the city in which you live.  And just because you are paying some pimp or drug dealer does not mean it is not violent.

So I want to write, this day, about rape – about men’s part in rape – all of us and how we participate in the culture of rape.  I am not worried about whether there is a woman’s part, that is not up to me to address.

          If you have not heard it before, let me state it now – women were created to be respected and loved.  And know that as I write of love I am not talking of sexual service. Rape, sexual assault and molestation goes against the natural order that God intended.

          The story of creation, the story of where Eve, the first woman, was created from the rib of Adam, the first man, is a powerful story.  It is not about the man being created first, it is not about woman being created for the convenience of man, it is about us, men and women, being of the same substance.

          If you have taken the story of creation that woman was created to be of service to man, then you have missed the point.  It points to a greater truth – that “woman is the bone of my bone, and the flesh of my flesh, that she was taken out of man” speaks directly against violence against women. I believe there are a number of reasons why the story is told that way, and I think those reasons are just as valid today.

          And I want you to understand that sexual violence is not about desire, it is not about lust, it is not about anything other than visiting violence upon women.  Women do not ask for it, women do not put themselves at risk for it, women do nothing to deserve it.  Those arguments and comments that suggest she did something to entice sexual violence on herself speaks to the belief that somehow rape is a naturally occurring event.  It is not.  Women are not the perpetrators of this crime, we are.

          And understand that if we remain silent, if we do not take a stand, then we condone sexual violence.  I think in this culture that is that is the case.  It seems to be so ingrained that rape somehow  is permissible, understandable, acceptable, that we are put into a position that silence is approval. And I would ask of all people, not just men, in taking a stand against sexual violence to do a number of things.  They are:

1. Personalize such violence.

          Wanna works Sunday Evenings, it is not lost on me that someone, a man, would see her travelling alone after shift and decide she deserves to be raped.  After all she is inviting it because she is travelling on the Sky Train alone. Personalizing the violence changes the conversation.

2. Understand sexual violence is not funny.

          There are rape jokes, and whatever else may be funny, rape, or another kind of sexual violence is not funny.  To participate in humour is to state that sexual violence is okay.  Just as jokes about domestic violence are no longer considered funny, so should jokes about rape.

3. Understand that sexual violence is not the result of how a woman behaves.

          I don’t care how she dresses, what she says, how drunk she is, she cannot take your responsibility away from you.  Each person is responsible for their actions.  As my wife dresses in a way that reflects the value she feels about herself that is not an invitation to assault her.

4. Understand how you, or me, are part of the problem.

          Understand that as long as we see the problem being other people, nothing will change.  It is time to start the dialogue – that being a man means taking responsibility for your actions.  It is time to further the dialogue of the humanity of women.

5. Understand that women are not property.

          The myriad ways we have of commercializing women extends far beyond prostitution and pornography.  Realize the subtle and not so subtle ways we have of maintaining women’s roles as being property.

6. Finally, if you know a boy – so all of you – I suggest that you read the following and have the conversation with that boy or boys. It is time we got the message out – sexual violence is not part of being a man.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carina-kolodny/the-conversation-you-must-have-with-your-sons_b_3764489.html

That is my post this week – though I don’t have any bible verses up, I think God agrees with me.

42. Hell Girl Revisited

1 John 4:11 – 12 “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”

A number of weeks ago I posted about a woman with a particular dislike of me.  And it has been a challenge to say the least.  The challenge, as I am being honest, it that at a very fundamental level I like being angry.  Be it an addiction, trying to claim power, or just wanting to feel strong; I like being angry.

          Most days I live in victory over this, I am able to go about my day without having an edge or an attitude.  But it remains my fallback position.  I have my stories to justify why, and they are good stories at that.  But!      I have a spirituality that is grounded in AA.  Which tell me the following:

          It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.  To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while.  But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance of and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave.  We found that it is fatal. For when harbouring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the (Holy) Spirit.

(Holy is my addition)

Now it is not like I am going to get sick and either drink or use because of this situation.  But, my anger has separated me from God.  It has also taken me away from the moments with Wanna – any of you who now how sweet she is knows what a waste it is to be denied that time.  It has denied me time with Jo EEE my kid.

         

          My desire to be angry with this situation, and it a desire, seemed to me to hold dangers for me.  There are number of reactions that one could have, and I am sure that most of us at some point would experience frustration and anger, but there are different ways of being with this situation.  So I sought to do something other than hate this woman and be angry.  I am not so evolved that I am able to love her, I do pray her, but I do not love her.  At most I have been able to be indifferent to her, a start.

         

          So, I set about to Let Go and Let God.  The idea being to let go of trying to control the situation, and let God move things to where they should be.  The catch with this concept for me has always been, the should be.  I am still paranoid about being sent to Nepal to preach the gospel to the unsaved hamsters.  So I did just that -  Let Go and Let God.  I prayed for the situation, and set about doing what I do best. 

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

It is not like all of a sudden things changed.  It is not like the woman woke up one morning and said, “Boy have I been mean to that nice man.”

          In fact in many ways the situation has continued.  There have been more discussion about me, and no I do not agree that any publicity is good publicity.  But, me and my cohorts have continued to do what we do best. 

          Then this week, was my annual review.  Now, don’t get confused that my annual review came ten months after I started.  But I was summoned with my files to a meeting to have those files and the agency practices reviewed.  Now, the person the reviewing is one of those that support my agency, those that actually provide the direct care to these men and woman (we have only one right now).

          As this review happened I was in the midst of a crisis.  This crisis was not of our, or my, own making.  Another agency, larger and more established, had dropped the ball with one of their people being supported.  The man, and his dog, and his belongings needed to be moved by noon of that day.  So, while the agency is being reviewed on paper, three of this agencies workers got to see the agency in action.

          They saw one person manage the dog, another get the man, and a third get the belongings – he had furniture.  They got to see what we as an agency do best.  By the end of business that day, not only had we managed a crisis, but we had developed a long term plan for the continued support and care of this man.

          Now one could say that this was just happy coincidence, and maybe it was.  But, my faith had me concentrating on what I needed to do, so that when the opportunity arose, I and those who work with me, were able to show case our strengths.  In that moment, we were able to show why we as an agency are so valuable.

          Oh, and the dog.  His name is Cody – there is no requirement for confidentiality for pets – was identified as being aggressive.  And at first he was a bit distraught, as his human buddy was distraught.  As I said good bye to the man, I got a kiss from the aggressive German Shephard.

Ephesians 4:31 & 32  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.