97. The lesson that could have been learned from Fifty Shades

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Eph 5:21

About three years ago there began an infatuation with a trilogy called “Fifty Shades.”  If you have not heard of it, then you have either been dead, or incarcerated in a foreign country.

I picked up a copy of the first novel, the Fifty Shades of Grey, and was so unimpressed I could not finish reading it.  It is bad writing, a bad story line, and not that imaginative.  Not surprisingly, it also does not reflect the practices of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism) in a very realistic way; this is our loss.

I believe that I have been noted for being outspoken about rape in its many guises and the need for consent.  And it is this aspect of consent that I find most intriguing about BDSM.  Within the vernacular of BDSM, there are Tops or Doms (the dominant one) and Bottoms or Subs (the submissive one).  And despite what one might assume about the sexual practices of those involved in BDSM, things are not quite as they appear.

It is the Bottom or the Submissive that actually holds the power within the relationship.  If done properly there is a detailed discussion about what will be done during a session.  And by detailed, I mean there is very little that is not discussed.  And prior to any play, the submissive one has to agree to whatever practice is done. 

Yes, there are aspects of what are expected of the Submissive, but it is the responsibility of the Dominant to ensure that everything that occurs is agreed to by the Sub.  Do not mistake that this is an effort to coerce compliance, this is an effort to submit to the sentiments of the Sub. If there is an act that the Submissive does not agree to, it is not done.

Whatever else you may think of the people who engage in BDSM, they actually provide an example of we could aspire to within our relationships.

If done properly, or so I am told, there is not only a “Safe” Word. A word that when said stops everything.  But the active person, the Dom, is attentive to the Sub. So attentive to the point that if the Sub uses the “Safe” word it calls into question the actions of the Dom.

So I ask you?

What if we lived our lives like that?  What if we lived so that we were so attentive to the person next to us they would not feel the need to defend themselves? 

What if us men adopted this as our attitude?  There would be no room for rape culture in an approach to our partners that emphasized such attention and respect.

Such attention is required in the BDSM.  With the infliction of pain, and use of fantasy, and the use of role playing a misstep can create considerable damage to a person.  And although BDSM is not overtly sexual in many instances, it does enter into the same vulnerability.  Thus, there is respect and consideration for each other.

I am not suggesting that we pick up the recreational activity of BDSM, but I do think that there is something to be considered.  Most of us who fill churches will hold judgements against those who engage in “Erotic Power Exchanges.”  Most of us will consider such conduct as immoral, yet when one considers the code of conduct of those in the BDSM community, such a judgment is questionable.

Especially as I consider some of the messages that I have heard coming from pulpits, blogs and on-line articles.  There seems to be a requirement for women to be subservient, not submissive, in a child like fashion.  And as for men, being Christ like, they are to head the house and to parent the little woman in the ways of the Lord.

I grew up in a family that was full of anger and hostility.  There was little if any consideration given towards the others within the family.  Both of my parents, one full of rage, the other full of booze had some standing within the community.  And for me, every since I was a little guy, it all seemed ass backwards.  Mom and Dad put on a mask of decency in public.  At home they were assholes.  It always seemed to me, that our refuge from the world, should be a place where we did our best to be kind and thoughtful of each other. 

I work hard at that ideal within my marriage, within my family.  I know that there are times that I fail miserably.  But I try to use how I treat my wife and my kid as measure of how I am doing as a human being.  Those times that I mistreat my wife or my kid, are times that cause me to shift my focus back to how I am with the people I love. 

So, don’t watch “Fifty Shades of Grey” it is crap.  As one meme I saw read, “Fifty Shades of Grey is a romance because he is a billionaire, if he lived in a trailer it would be the next episode of Criminal Minds.”  Tonight after I post this, and as Wanna and I lay cuddling, I want to explore some of the details of the game we play – marriage – and ensure that it all meets with her approval.

96. As easter approaches

And with it comes my discomfort with my conflict of the theology of the cross. 

But before I begin, let me state for the record the following...

1. I believe that Christ was crucified on Golgatha.

2. I believe that he rose from the dead.

3. I believe that his death satisfies the demand for sacrifice.

Where I part with conventional theology is who put Christ on the cross, and who demanded the sacrifice, and whose lust for vengeance was satisfied that day. 

Consider Hosea 6:6 - For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.

Consider Micah 7:18-19 - Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

Consider Psalm 51: 16 & 17 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

The problem that I have is this – if I ask you if God can create a rock so big he cannot move it, you would have an argument that this kind of question is not fair.  But I am told that God has created a creature he cannot stand – and this seems perfectly reasonable.  I am told that in essence that is the reason why God arranged for Jesus to be killed – God is infinitely offended by our sin, and because he is infinitely offended, thus require the ultimate in sacrifices. Only this thinking is not based on scriptures, but is based on theology.

“According to the 11th century monk Anselm of Canterbury who decisively shaped Western Christianity’s understanding of sin, violating God’s law is an offense against God’s honor. The offense is infinite because God is infinite, so the punishment for the mildest violation of God’s law must be infinite. Anselm took this to explain why Jesus, as an infinite divine being, had to die on the cross as punishment for humanity’s sin.” – Morgan Guyton

It seems to me that the requirement of sacrifice was our creation, our insistence.  Yes, there are loads of requirements of sacrifices in the old testament – but those instructions are written to a people that thought it was reasonable to kill women who were not virgins at the time of their marriage on the doorsteps of their family.  These are the same people that also thought that sacrificing children was acceptable. So I wonder.  The requirements for sacrifice in the Old Testament; were they demands or restrictions?  Just as I believe an ‘eye for an eye’ was not a recipe for justice, but a limitation on vengeance.

Isaiah 1:11 “The multitude of your sacrifices— what are they to me?” says the Lord. “I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats.

As with most things I think the truth is much more uglier than the bill of goods we are sold.  For this God-Man who knew the stuff that we had done that we wanted kept secret, still loved us.  And this became the problem.  For along with his love, there was no condemnation.

The other villain that we point to, when we don’t point at God, is the organized religion of the day.  Granted it was the religious elite who did campaign to have him killed.  And Jesus certainly gave them much cause to, for the words of condemnation from Jesus that I have read are towards the religious. 

It was us, and it still is us.  We still sacrifice Christ every time we play the game of “that person is not a TRUE Christian.”  Every time we fool ourselves into thinking that there must be more that we have to do other than forgive others. 

Yes, I think Christ had to die.  But I believe he had to die for us as we could not imagine a God who loved us.  I believe that he died so that it would be us whose need for sacrifice was met.  I also believe that the true miracle of Easter is not his death, but his resurrection.  It was in the resurrection that we see the power of sin, the separation from God, being defeated.

So, as we proceed towards Good Friday – I have different sense of the day. I do not see it as the day when our salvation was secured, I see it as the day we killed God.  I do see our sin on Christ, but not in an act of atonement, but in our disgust in a God that could love us.  It is not relief I feel for the act of Golgatha, but regret. 

My theology on this all may be wrong – but it sits easier for me than blaming God for our act of violence.

95. Things that make you go hmmm....

A break from my vain attempts at theology and for something more interesting – at least for me.

The culture in North America is kind of strange when it comes to sex.  I know other cultures are sort of off as well, but it is this culture in which I live and can easily see the strangeness.

I was listening to a Sunday afternoon talk show on the radio and the topic of discussion was the challenges of Viagra and other erectile dysfunction medication.  One of the challenges is that there is a lag time between taking the medication and it having the desired effect.  Think about that for a moment.

You have a naked partner willing to engage in sex with you and the challenge is to fill thirty minutes of time while the medication kicks in, and you are at a loss of what to do....hmm.  Maybe what is needed is a shift in how one views sex, not a medication.

Just sayin...

Not surprisingly in this world of let’s not slow down and enjoy ourselves, they have come up with a medication to enhance a woman’s libido.  Now I have not heard the marketing for this medication, but I have heard a sexpert discuss it.  Her suggestion is that by increasing the libido of the woman she is more inclined to have sex with her husband and thus keep the man from straying.

I am thinking that if the man takes his Viagra and goes to...umm...work....by the time his medication kicks in, she won’t need any.

Now there are legitimate reasons – health based – where both of these medications are required.  But I can’t help thinking that our dependency on medications for everyday events reveals that we are living crazy lives.  I know I do.

But back to the idea of it being the woman’s role to keep the man faithful. 

I can’t help but think in that one comment we have been set back a few decades.  That comment is only a stone’s throw away from legitimizing rape.  I am not sure what the twisted logic is that it is up to the woman to ensure that the man is faithful; but I don’t like it.  The other side of this kind of thinking ensures that men do not have to mature and assume responsibility for ourselves. 

The other random thought comes from the quagmire we call Facebook.  The most accurate quote from this social networking site is “The internet allows us to be whoever and whatever we want to be, why do so many people choose to be stupid?”

         

But that is not what caught my attention this week.  It was a contact of mine posting a slogan – I love being white.  The comment stunned me.  The person attached to this made the comment, “In this day of gay pride, native pride, black pride and the like, I have decided that I am proud to be white.”

There was the hesitation from the associated “White Power” groups, which may have ruined this concept for me forever.  I can get behind the “Kiss me I am (Insert Ethnicity)” but “I love being white” is kind of hard to support. 

I offer no biblical references for the above – simply a mind trying to avoid thinking about more serious matters.