63. Devout

It was odd the other day, I was talking with my friends, one of whom is the pastor of my church, and I said that I was a devout Christian.  My pastor said, “That is the first time that I have heard you describe yourself as that, you seem to be the anti-christian Christian.”

          It was not an insult or rebuke but an honest observation.  I have never thought of myself as the Anti-christian Christian, but I think it fits.  Whether it be a mixture of my experience in life and questionable mental health and my incessant need to poke the eye of conformity; I love Christ, but detest what we do when we get together.  I feel about church the same way that I feel about Strata Councils, Service Committees, and mobs of villagers armed with torches and pitch forks. My most positive experience with groups of people is from twelve step community.  They have a set of principles that are used to guide how they are with each other.  Even then I still remember the time that a friend of mine, a small woman, during a committee meeting crawled over the table to strangle the member sitting on the other side of the table. So let’s be clear, it is the twisted stuff we come up with as we gather, not the initial idea.  It is not Christ, but the twist of my soul that happens as I want to make you worship him as I do.

          We live in a consumer culture, where everything is prepackaged and disposable; our food, our entertainment, our work, many of our relationships and I think our spirituality.  I cannot and will not speak for earlier times, for not only did I not know such times, I also know that I would only reference them with a romantic sense of nostalgia that could never actually be mine.  These days I know that churches talk about “Branding” themselves, and providing an experience, all of which leads to this idea that somehow if we are popular we are right.  Thus, churches become little more than theatres not communities, and we are encouraged to be passive in our faith.

          Thus, I get how someone would see me as the Anti-Christian Christian.  That, and I do accuse us of abandoning compassion and intelligence as we claim our faith.  And while I am at it, we do a piss poor job of promoting the Love and Grace of our Lord.  Yet, I do see myself as devout in my faith.

Matthew 16:15 “But what about you?” he (Jesus) asked. “Who do you say I am?”

In my life I do not think that Jesus cares what my pastor thinks, what your beliefs are, what is popular or the beliefs of anyone else.  I believe that I am called to a relationship with God, and that part of that is developing an understanding of God.  I am asked, “But you, Drew, who do you say that I am?”

          I believe that a number of doctrines that are seen as central to our faith are indeed wrong.  One of the most pivotal of these doctrines is the crucifixion of Christ.  One of the central doctrines for many Christians is that Jesus took our place on the cross.  To this extent I agree with the doctrine of penal substitution.  Where I depart from this doctrine is just who put him up there?  I believe that it was our own sense of guilt and shame that led to the sacrifice of Christ.  Thus, I realize that if we must put me in one basket or another, I would be Christus Victor.

          So this in the weekend when we observe the events of the cross and resurrection one might wonder, what does this hold for me?  If Christ’s death on the cross is not demanded by the wrath of God but rather our own fear of death and punishment and our sending someone or something else to take it for us, then what is the significance of the weekend?

          For me, my appreciation of the display of love and grace on the cross seems to deepen. It is ridiculously radical hospitality, an act of God reaching out to us.  And, when the bread and wine are handed to me, my hands seem more soiled from his execution. I am more bothered by the entire affair.  And in many ways I am left examining myself for how I still demand the death of Christ.  But for me that is the point, to take what has happened and make it personal. 

          I would urge you to do the same, to take time during this weekend and reflect on the events of the cross and the resurrection.  Why did what happened, happen? More importantly, what is the response that is asked of you?  Not the response your pastor, or your spouse, or your friend, or your whatever, says that is demanded of you.  What is the response that you feel is being called from within you?

           Being devout, means that I am passionate about what I believe, that I have taken this matter, and others to heart.  I ask you to join me in doing this.  I don't care if we agree, in fact if we disagree I think it increases the likelihood that God has moved within us, for our experiences have become more personalized. I also think being devout allows me to listen more fully to you.

62. Jesis Is My Wing Man

One of my atheist friends and I were talking a few years back.  I forget the context, there was enough crap that he was going through, it could have been talking with bankruptcy lawyer, or divorce lawyer or accountant or the Canadian Revenue Agency, or getting the results of a lab test.  The proverbial shit was flying like he was in an Alberta blizzard. He and I were discussing the situation and he said, “I wish I believed in prayer.”

          “Why don’t you pray anyway?”  I answered.

          “Well, cause I find it hard to talk to imaginary friends.”

          “You can borrow mine if you want.”  I replied.

          If you think that your belief in God is not an act of imagination, you are giving your intellect way too much credit.  Faith, our access to God, our belief, is an act of imagination.  For me that does diminish God or spirituality.  I give a lot credence to imagination.  I am a finite being, I can hear and see only within certain ranges, I do not know if God has a taste, smell or texture. I do know that there is a sensation, an internal response, something akin to how I feel when I see Wanna at the end of an absence.

          I have had some rather odd experiences with these kinds of sensations, some of those experiences have been odd, others having been downright terrifying, other quite funny.  Two of them have happened in Airports. Call it intuition, street smarts, there has been some impressive situations.  And while I am open to the idea that it is my constantly-in-motion brain occasionally spitting out the right interpretation of events and probabilities, I have come to give that inner knowing its proper due.  I would even say that those times might be the voice of the Holy Spirit. So when I say that God is an act of imagination, I by no means mean any slight or blasphemy.  I am just saying that the experience of God is not limited to our external senses.

          I am not sure whether my friend prayed or not, and I can imagine him praying “God, this Joe, Drew said I could borrow you...”

          And part of me thinks that God would listen.

          I thought of this story today.  The Policy Maven was back to finish her job of evaluating the work my group of people and I do.  In the intervening days, 61 to be exact since we had met, she has come to see value in what we do.  This would include an appreciation for the level of frustration that we experience with the Government, some ideas of how to handle them, and an appreciation for some of the stuff that we have gone through.

          After the preliminary niceties, we got down to business.  The business was to see if there were irregularities in the files, and in particular the care giver files.  We were better prepared this time, we had two months to do so, and four panicked days just before she arrived.  But finding deficiencies in files is akin to find dog pooh in the back yard of someone with two dogs, no matter how hard one tries there will always be some that is found.  And this time, her request for documentation began to get quite far afield.  At one point she requested copies of some correspondence between myself and the funding body.

          It was while I was copying the correspondence that I prayed.  Something about ‘please get me through this’, ‘don’t let me puke,’ some hastily worded petition.  I thought of this reflex of asking God so that I may be comforted.  There are so many hastily thought of prayers.  So many of them go unanswered, that is the person praying does not get what they are asking for from God.  Telling me that the answer might have been “No” is more than a little of asinine.

          People in much more desperate situations, muttering a few words urgent words, have not received Grace.  That is why I am usually awkward around prayer, at least prayer for me.  It is not that I doubt the power of prayer, and not that I think God plays dice with people’s lives, if your pet hamster has a cough, and I will pray that the one who you swap affection with survives.  Not so much with me.  But today I did.

          We made it through.  Those of you who have read and prayed and cheered for us will be happy to know that the folks I do the stuff I do with and I, have been deemed good to go.  Thank you.  It is just a matter of the reports to be drafted before we are able to start taking in more people. 

          Did my prayer this afternoon help?  I dunno.  I really don’t know. But it did remind me, that I am not alone.  Did the prayers of others help?  I dunno.  But they did let me know that this situation has been the focus of care and concern for many others. 

          There is a story of man who had been traveling for a great distance, and as he traveled he grew weary from the weight he had been carrying, and over time his progress slowed until he became aware that he would have to spend the night in the wilderness.  He stopped and began to pray.  It being late in the day, there were no travelers that ventured by, and as the evening began to cool he realized that his fate was set.

          And of course cause this is a parable a traveler even later in his day came by.  Seeing the man in trouble, the traveler carried the man’s pack.  Lightened the man made it to the next town quickly, it had only been a little further down the road, less than a mile.  Had the man spent his time walking instead of praying he would have made it hours previously, but he hadn’t. 

          Was the answer to the prayer the other traveler showing up?  Was it the motivation of the other traveler gave to continue walking?  Was it that the town was not that far away?  Or was the solace of realizing that he was in the presence of God, the answer to his prayer? 

         Today I had one of those moments, where I needed to stop and reassure myself that God still cared.  I get I have different values and priorities than God.  But I believe that he cares for me, and that the answer to the prayer was realizing that I can always have that conscious contact.  Today when I prayed I also had the distinct impression that I was being told to use greater diligence in preparing for this kind of evaluation.

61. Not A Self Help Group

I have coffee with my friend, anonymity is the name of the game, on a regular semi-regular basis.  We get together to discuss our work, our wives, our lives since we have become clean and sober.  We knew each other in those days when we were slaves to our addictions.  In many ways our lives have kept intertwined by our recovery, our work and our interests.

          It is good for my soul, and I think his.  We compare notes about how brutally crazy the industry we work in has become.  It is more than just to older farts complaining, the field to help those who cannot help themselves has become much crazier than it once was.  That is the follow out of the work being focused on limiting liability, and not on providing service, and with budget constraints the provision of service is actually a third or fourth consideration.

          We often get onto matters of spirituality.  We have an understanding of God and spirituality based on our experiences in twelve step programs.  We did different programs – and still do – and to respect the tradition of anonymity I simple identify it as a twelve step program.  And there is an oddity about these programs, that seems to be understood only by those who have been abstinent for a period of years.  The twelve step programs are not self-help groups. 

          One of my heroes of my program talks about that it is the power of God experienced whenever two people can get together in his name.  He talks of when get together, and stop the bullshit, and lay ourselves bare to each other, then there is space that develops in our lives for God.  Part of the ridding myself of my bullshit, is not only getting honest, avoiding the lies I tell myself and others, but it is losing my self interest.

One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

One of the things I notice is that there is nothing in there about loving ourselves – except that it seems to be tied to loving our neighbour.  And for me, and this is Drewdism 101, the only way to develop actual self-love, is through how I treat other people.  I suggest you give it a try. On the day when your mood is sucking wind and there is no joy, start being nice to people, and I mean nice to people not pretending, not being nice so that you feel better, but being nice.  And watch what happens.

          Conversely, you can go to a community far away from your home, and act like a genital for the day.  You begin to understand that trying to feel good about yourself, loving yourself, without first reaching out to others, just does not work.  In fact this is what the bible has to say about self love:

2 Timothy 3:1-5 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

Those who love self are grouped in with a wide range of foul sounding people.  Now I am not suggesting that we allow people to do whatever they want to do to us, for to do so would be a disservice to that person and others. 

          But consider: But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. And consider that we are told that if we are slapped on one cheek to turn the other to the person who slapped us.

          It seems to me that this love for others that we are called to have is robust, it does not shy away from conflict, nor does it run away at the first sign of trouble.  As well, it seems to be a radical hospitality to others. 

          This flies in the face of modern sensibilities that we need to love ourselves first, which to me just adds a level of legitimacy of this way of thinking.  Imagine that, my happiness, my love of self depends on how you are?   It denies the idea that if we want to have the respect ourselves, that we must demand that others respect us.  It rebels against the idea that our self-interest should come first.

           

Profanity Warning!!

It is simple, if you stop treating people like you are an asshole, then you not only will stop feeling like an asshole, you will begin to feel so much better about yourself, because you will become something beautiful the lord made.  I think Jesus meant it when he said, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.”