58. Love?

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Romans 12:17 - 21

My mother was a ruminator, she could work a resentment better than Dudley, my long past Labrador Retriever, could work a Kong stuffed with peanut butter.  She would brood over a situation, be it a slight or injury to the ego, for days.  I would listen as she gave the unknown person a piece of her mind while she cleaned the house.

          I did not pick up her habit of cleaning house, but I did pick up her habit of holding a grudge.  After years of listening to her give someone a piece of her mind, I got skillful at the same thing.

          There are a few aspects of the practice of giving someone a-piece-of-your-mind.  First, one is perpetually practicing saying awful things to other people.  Second, with this skillful repartee of verbal skills, you are constantly looking at someone to use them on. – Why carry a weapon if you can’t use it – thus those who have even marginally offended you are subject to a quick come back, and the more biting the better.  Third, life becomes a continual prospect to unleash this nastiness on.  The idea is that at some point one will be able to unload on the offending person in such a way that a level of satisfaction comes from this vindication. 

          This was often the basis of therapy that I went to seeking solutions.  There were safety bats that were used to move the anger through your body.  I was in one group that used a tennis racket and a pillow to beat the anger out of ourselves.  The idea, and maybe I got it wrong, was that either I would deplete the amount of anger in me, or finally feel satisfied that I had expressed my rage at the treatment of me by my parents – most often, or others from my childhood.

          There is one problem – this just doesn’t work.  The idea of venting your spleen, does not work, and in fact serves to only further entrench anger in your life.  Those of us who practice forgiveness – it has taken me a while – know the truth of this philosophy. One cannot be angry enough, or loud enough, or expressive enough to finally break free and stop being angry.  One can only stop being angry by, well, forgiving and working on not being angry, and relying on the grace and power of the Holy Spirit.

         

St. Paul counsels us, “Do not be transformed to this world.”  We are called to be radically different in the world.  In our faith, we are called to love those who persecute us, pray for those who would wish us harm, to help those who would hinder us.

          This is a radical departure from the no-one-fucks-with-me world; where we are encouraged to stand up for ourselves, to not let people get away with it, or to put people in their place.  We are called to a radically different view. After all, our God came to earth knowing that he would die a gruesome death at the hands of those he loved.  We are called to emulate him.  And such is the way of love.

          I have a fondness for this verse.  I believe, and do not want to digress in this blog, that we have an addiction to punishment, and a pathological need to get even.  Part of me likes to translate “heaping burning coals” as meaning to embarrass, or even to given a profound headache to the person.  But I like the commentary that talks about “heaping coals on the head”, relates to ensuring that the needs of the person are being fully met.  That heaping burning coals relates more to ensuring that there will be a cooking fire for the person – that all their needs are met.

          I wish it was more sinister – there is that medieval part of me that wants to relate this to torture.  Even the commentary that this verse is about melting the person with kindness is a bit more bearable.  But really?  To ensure that all the needs of the person are met?  What kind of God would ask that of us?

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’  But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”  Matt 5:38 - 42

57. Peace May Come

Bear with me as I take you for a guided tour through a convoluted experience.  In following along, I simply invite you to consider what may fit for you, and perhaps experience some of the growth that seems to have been flung at me this week.

You may have been able to tell that I have some personal baggage – issues – history with the entire Christianity thing. While I cannot, and am not inclined to, draw comparisons with others, one of the challenges of my faith is sorting through the messages that came to me through a haze of addiction, depression and trauma. 

          One of the cringe worthy passages of the bible, for me, was Matthew 5:14 - 16.  Thus this past Sunday when the scripture verses for the lesson were this passage, I just about decided that it was finally time to re-grout the bathroom.  Or, to go for that dental check-up I keep putting off.

          The circumstances surrounding this passage were, or are, quite dark.  Mingled amongst the adolescent angst of the time, were particularly troubling events at home.  There is nothing that will catapult adolescence into an absurdly toxic process than having parents who are acting out themselves.

          I had interpreted this verse to mean that God would embarrass me by making me “The Light of the World.”  That I would have to go door to door, locker to locker, telling people what Jesus would do for me.  The deal was, as I understood it, be obedient and I don’t have to go to hell. 

          After all, I am the light of the world – I am called to set myself up for ridicule and scorn (read the preceding verses in Matthew).  I just did not want to do that, I just wanted some of the rest that the bible seemed to offer and did not deliver.  I was selling out God, he was mad at me, and well, hell was waiting.  After all – why would God light a lamp just to hide it?  Thus, the song “This little light of mine” took on some very sinister implications.

This past Saturday I was busy doing a few odd jobs – cleaning the crud out of the car when I looked up to see two young men coming down the drive way.  They were wearing white shirts and ties, and carrying bags of God knows what in them.  The look on my face must have been interesting cause they stopped their advance.

          I said, “Hey I am quite content with my spiritual condition, please leave.” 

          The lead guy said something back, to which I said, “Please show some respect and leave.”

        There had been a similar guy, all guys in white shirts and ties look alike to me, a few weeks earlier.  Getting him to leave my door way was a bit of a trick. I also told him not to leave the offered religious tract on my car, and no, I did not know anyone who would want to talk to him.  I was kind of pleased with myself that I did not swear at him.

          I have a fair idea what religion or variety of Christianity or cult or belief system he was peddling.  And truth be told, I really didn’t care, and to be honest, judgmental but honest, he really didn’t give a shit about my spiritual condition – he cared about being a good whatever-it-is. 

So Sunday, and the sermon that made me cringe before Pastor Dan even had a chance to say anything.  For how I had come to understand this verse, was that what was required of me, was what the guy in my driveway had done that day before.  And my reluctance to do that very same thing, to be the light of the world, had created guilt and condemnation for me.  (And yes, if you think that it may have to do more with the guilt and condemnation I felt infused in my life at the time you would be right).

          We are the light of the world, I am the light of the world.  Hang out with me long enough and you get know some things about me.  I love my family, I love paint ball – and even feel that I should work less and play more, that I have a passion for caring for those not as fortunate as I, and that I love God. And I want you to love God.  Not because if you don’t you will be punished, but because it is good for you to be in right relationship with him.

          My faith is a light on the hill.    

I have come to understand that I am the Light of the World, in that God has chosen me to show how he loves us.  It is not by walking down your drive way that I shine my light, it is by walking with you.  Letting you see what a life in faith might look like.  I am being used as an example, of how God loves us, despite the insanity, and fear, and failings that beset us, or me.  What is being glorified is not an obedience to God, but his grace and love. 

          There have been a few tears shed as I have come to terms with all of this during the past few days.  Relief mostly, some from the pain that I still carry. 

56. The Law

Galatians 3:19 Why, then, was the law given? It was given alongside the promise to show people their sins.

The law as it was given to us, has a number of purposes.  One of them is listed here in Galatians.  The law was used, is used, to convict the person of being sinful.  It was also used for guiding people in the way of righteous living.  But one of the purposes was the great leveling that I see within the bible.  You are no better, or worse, than anyone else, it was to show people their sins.

Of course we don’t believe that – that we are all the same.  We create our own hierarchy of sins.  Being greedy is not as bad as being adulterous but is not as bad as being gay which is not as bad as being...well you get the idea.  Generally, we think our sins are not as bad as the other person’s.  The truth is that we suck as seeing our own shortcomings and excel at seeing each other’s.  The sin was to bring your focus back to you.

And check out Proverbs 6:16-19, God does have a few that he detests, and they are interesting to say the least.

So there I am, Marnie my trusty side kick is with me for support.  Sitting at my kitchen table is an expert in the law.  And I get the attraction to theological arguments, but I digress.  I am about to be examined and not in a nice way, by this woman.  And it is not me, but the company, but if you own your own company you understand that there is little difference.

We discuss a number of the company’s policy and procedures.  I want to look at her and say, “The first policy and procedure is that shalt love the funding agency above all else.  The second is like unto the first, thou shalt love the people you send us better than you do.”  I don’t think she would get the reference or the humour.

The purpose of the exercise is to see how the company’s policies and procedures reflect the expected policies and procedures.  It is an inane game of “I’ve got a secret.”  For although I am told that I should develop my own, I can be found wrong on my policy and procedure.  However, I cannot use theirs, as well, um....it wouldn’t be mine.

Then, the next step is to see if I have adhered to my own policy and procedure.  Which is a rather interesting experience.  I want to point out that I am doing well by not spitting my coffee all over my policies and procedures but I think she might not really appreciate my new found maturity. 

The exercise has a number of purposes to it.  I know other agencies, or maybe other directors who would struggle with having this done to their agency.  And it was grueling.  But it was also welcomed.  The exercise could have been seen simply as finding fault.  But for me, it was an opportunity to see where I, the company, was lacking and where I needed to grow.  It was picky, as I imagine the keepers of the law in Jesus’ time had been.  But it was useful.

I have come to understand that there is another aspect to the law and that is corrective.  It helps the person live more righteously.  Its intent is to teach, I think of the idea of faking it til you make it.  The idea of if you act then inner righteousness will come.

Do I think we will be a better agency because we have learned better policies and procedures?  No.  And in many ways we will become less effective.  But in learning policies and procedures we are better able to operate in a certain environment, and to display what is inside our hearts and minds.  In a number of substantial ways policy and procedures safe guards what we value.

It was curious though.  As we ended the session, I was informed that one of the people that we serve seems to present a significant risk to the public.  For me addressing the multitude of competing concerns in this situation was easy.  As I discussed this with the funding agency, the same agency that worries about my company’s policy and procedure, they struggled to come to a strategy.  They were trying to see if there was a policy developed, as well as how other policies applied.

It is telling that in the midst of this, one of the questions asked regarding the situation addressed an ambiguous text from the caregiver to the client a few days previous.  So even in the midst of a significant threat to the safety of the community, someone stopped to find fault.

For it is by grace you have been saved,

through faith and this is not from yourselves,

it is the gift of God not by works,

so that no one can boast.

What shall we say, then? 

Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?

This is a tricky act we balance – faith – grace – works.  Understand me clearly, I don’t think anyone of us has a better angle on righteousness and salvation than the other.  I struggle with discipline, I always have, I have resisted appearances for appearances sake until my appearance which was aimed at not caring about appearances was created for appearances sake.  So...while my sisters have abstained from watching TV to minimize the impact of commercialism....and my brother thinks that there is a secret sequence of setting the chairs right...I am lucky if I put on underwear and have zipped up my pants.  But if something unexpected happens I would be a good guy to have around.

I am not sure if the policy and procedures thing really works or if it is just the product of an exhausted mind.