150 We must talk about suicide

It was a particularly rough spot in my life. Not that life had every really been that enjoyable. This time was more severe. Thoughts of ending my life were obsessive. If ever you have had intrusive thoughts that came when you did not want them, you will understand what it was like. It was like being infatuated, but with killing myself.

          It was like I was possessed.

I did not want to die, but the obsession was convincing me that this would be the best. I knew that my family and friends would be devastated. I also knew that in time they would heal. Slowly, I started to make a plan. Memories of that darkest time still make me cringe in fear.

          Although I identify myself as an addict and alcoholic, that was all in the efforts of managing a life that was tinted with the darkness of depression. Thoughts of suicide were daily occurrences for me.

          For whatever reason, I was able to reach out and get help. At that time I really did not know about depression. Though life has had its dark times for me since then, none have been as dark as that time.

This week there have been two notable suicides: Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain. Although both people, from the outside, appeared to have charmed lives, it was the death of Anthony that hit home. His is the life I would want; travelling the world and eating.

          I have talked before that depression turns the conversation of whether the glass is half-full to, the glass is half empty, it probably tastes like shit, and the glass is dirty. Depression adds another thought, it doesn’t matter if I even drink it, for I will get thirsty again.

At the time of my obsession with killing myself I was an active member in a twelve step program. To admit that I was intending on ending my own life would be to admit that I was not working a very spiritual program of recovery. Sort of like standing up in church and telling those around you that you wanted to kill yourself might lead those around you to question your faith and your confidence in God.

          We have to start talking about mood disorders, mental health, and suicide. We have to understand that we are works in progress.  Even Paul, who for many exemplifies faith, talked of having a ‘thorn in his side’ and not achieving perfection.

Hebrews 5:7 During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Regardless of how strong our faith might be, we are not exempt from the trials and tribulations of life. In fact, just the opposite. As I see it, compassion is the foundation of our faith. We are called to join with the suffering of others. To remain unaffected would reflect a shallow compassion.

          Currently, the congregation I am a part of is experiencing hardships. Some of those hardships are simply the fabric of life. Others are experiencing tragedies that are unjust. While we come together to celebrate our faith, we also come together to support and care for each other.

          We must move past the superficial, “how are you?”, “I am fine, yourself?” Let us be aware that each of us will have times of struggle. I urge you to share your struggle with each other, not only will doing so allow others to join with you, it gives permission to the other person to share their own.

          We must move away from the idea that faith is about being perfect. It is not. In fact, faith can make some of our struggles less than tolerable.

          We must stop beating each other with verses meant to comfort. The admonition of “do not be anxious in anything’ was not a command, but an encouragement.

          We must stop presenting an imaginary standard of what faith should look like. When we consider what our Lord was like, it was not a one dimension expression.

          We must also share our victories with each other. To encourage each other.

Thank you for letting me share.